I came from outer space (spaceout)

We are strangers

2012-02-09T20:59:00.001+08:00

besides the blood running in our veins.
Whatever you did, makes my blood boils.
However mama reacted, makes my blood boils further.

Me: mama I'm having difficulty sleeping again.

Mama: that's because you had been having morphine-based cough mixture(info supplied by my bro) a while ago, your body is going thru changes.

Me: huh? But how come when he don't bathe so late I'm ok?

Mama: that's because your body is already going thru changes that's why sensitive

Me: so how long will it take to go off? The effects

Mama: 2 weeks.

Me: but I'm already going thru the 4th week, ever since he started bathing late.

Mama: huh? Talk to him.

Me: talk already. No use.

Mama: then u just take deep breaths, no choice. If not you'll constantly be unhappy with each other.

See? No point talking to my mom. Her son is flawless. Is my body having problems and is my problem.

Later, she felt my bad mood and just told that irresponsible man to not bathe too late. Come on, if he understands the term "too late", he wouldn't be bathing at that kind of timing. This is as good as not telling him.

I am so disappointed by how mama is taking this whole matter. It's alright, it's just my person problem, nothing that big a concern. I won't ask for your help anymore and so as not to make everyone unhappy altogether, I shall keep very quiet about all my woes. You don't have to worry at all.

Wide awake

2012-02-08T00:50:00.001+08:00

I was so tired and was drifting off to sleep when the lights came on repeatedly. Three times, I've calculated. The lights dragged me away from sleep. Now it's passed my tiredness -- you know the point when a person becomes too tired, sleepiness goes away -- I can't sleep anymore. I have to wake up at 6.30 later and here I am, wide awake, all thanks to my brother. Despite telling him not to bathe so late, despite him being at home and having all the time in the world to bathe for the whole day, he chose to bathe at such an hour. I'm having difficulty sleeping so frequently, at least once every week! All thanks to my stupid, inconsiderate brother!

你改行啊？去住醫院啦！

2012-02-03T09:36:00.001+08:00

今天不用工作的人（今天請假開刀），昨夜不開夜間演唱會，改開走秀大會。一夜開了一次大燈，兩次廁所燈，又噴頭髮，又吹頭髮，搞甚麼！？

你好啦，動了手術就沒事了。你沒事我可能有事！我要瘋掉了！兩個星期了！跟你說了不要晚上深夜沖涼會吵醒人。當天一說你更遲沖！你根本沒有意思要好好地一起生活！

恨死你了！！！

贈仁兄

2012-01-27T21:26:00.001+08:00

你說迷信也好，不合邏輯也罷。人要生活在一起就要儘量配合啊！
你堅持你的想法，執著於你的作法，這樣大家都不開心。
你配合一下會怎樣？這是個雙贏的局面好嗎？你配合了又不少塊肉，別人也安心，為何不可？

失戀時說自己長大了，還不是只長大了那幾天。痛過了，人又回到以往那個不會為他人，不會為家人著想的窩曩大爛泥！不是我壞，可是如果是這樣，我情願你多失幾次戀，最好常常失戀，人放聰明，大家快樂，生活安寧！
長大？我呸！

每日一回

2012-01-26T23:08:00.001+08:00

每日一回不知道這樣年尾我是否還會回心轉意。

好想辭職！我要辭職！

十年

2012-01-24T19:26:00.001+08:00

血雨：妹，如果我以後不做工了，要錢才做工，有錢了就不做，你會不會覺得我不務正業？

娃頭：會。要有穩定收入。

血雨：唉，可是我想做part-time就好。

娃頭：你可以做一兩年的part-time。

血雨：啊？這樣就不是不務正業啊？

娃頭：有穩定收入嘛！

血雨：噢！這樣我做個兩年一年的part-time就不做，沒錢了又做ok啦？

娃頭：嗯！我要做十年工，存夠就不做了。

血雨：真的啊？就你這句話我也做下去，過後就退休。

娃頭：要存夠啦！過後要錢做part-time。

血雨：呀啦！就是我剛才講的。我要開幾個戶口每個$20，000。

娃頭：25，000啦！

血雨：那就開多兩個。我多做5年就可以退休了！我們兩個不可以在一起，因為我會很支持你，你也會很支持我的。我們會一起爛！哈哈哈哈

娃頭：要出國要做工努力點。

血雨：出甚麼國，不要出國啦！

娃頭：不行！做passport要錢的，我要在它expire前多出幾次。

血雨：嗯。我也是。這幾年多出幾次，我30歲就收了。十年。

我一直認為

2012-01-22T18:30:00.001+08:00

我的努力是白費的。
爸爸媽媽溺愛長子。
爸爸媽媽眼裡沒有我。
不管長子給他們多少問題，多不把他們看在眼裡，他們始終只關心長子。

其實人啊，人的努力永遠都不是立竿見影的。如果立竿見影，大家就無需堅持努力，努力也會失去意義的。

其實人啊，只要堅持到底，總有一天是會苦盡甘來了。我的「甘」日子雖然未到，但卻看得見希望。

當我看見媽媽在長子面前只為我煮麵；
當爸爸生長子氣時還會為我朗讀的廣告詞爆笑
這樣就夠了。
我沒有求家庭破裂：爸媽恨長子，站到我這邊來。
我只求爸媽多看看我，不要總覺得大哥就是一切。

Waiting for it to end

2012-01-17T21:30:00.001+08:00

I want to quit. Been buying time to convince my dad who has finally gave up on me if not given in to me.

I still remember clearly how I wanted to quit so badly all of last year especially during the darkest period in the middle of the year. Everything seemed so meaningless.

PLEASE SAVE ME!

Not that things are any more meaningful to me right now, maybe just the monetary part of the job that is meaningful -- I'm just blabbering.

Right now, I could only work when I'm at the office. I tried picking up some notes to read but my brain just wouldn't register anything and I feel that this is really meaningless. To still work after a long day at work. I can't work at home. It's the lost of interest and passion.

聽得到

2012-01-09T15:44:00.001+08:00

我誠心祈求遠離某人。
我誠心祈求讓我的病情好轉。
我誠心祈求在這個時候有人來拉我一把。
原來我的祈求有被聽到。
命運巧妙地把我牽扯在本於我不相干的事內，讓我得償所願。
這樣就夠了，我已經很滿意了。

2012-01-07T17:55:00.001+08:00

我真的好怕！
可能已經到極限了。

本來想走得漂亮，不留下任何污點地離開。可是我可能做不到了。
我真的很害怕每一天的到來。

Goal

2012-01-06T10:51:00.001+08:00

每一個人的人生目標都不一樣，你的人生目標是甚麼呢？
我的人生目標是有足夠時間娛樂，一旦娛樂的時間被剝奪了，我就會對事務失去興趣。

今年真的是波折重重的一年。才開工第四天我就躺在病床上。然後是老闆丟了顆大炸彈給我，引爆時間設置在11月中。
Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is the best defense!
我可以發瘋嗎？

一年比一年的感覺更強烈！
我要找到就算工作也能享受的工作！

很失望！

2012-01-03T21:47:00.001+08:00

怎麼一來到日文課，每個人都變得那麼不守信用！？
豹紋妹答應過我，今年一起報讀N3預備班，一起考N3。今年一到，馬上反悔！我都把她算在計畫中了。算了，我今年考N2好了。
前年老闆答應我，去年讓我放假一個月，去日本修讀日文。結果去年找她申請假期，她頓時愣住說要考慮！後來就不讓我去了。
4年前與當時的同事約好，3年前一起修讀中級日文。3年前約定好的日子一到，問起她，她立刻推辭，說日文此時對自己沒有用，經濟上需調整，現在不是時候。
為甚麼每次就我這裡一頭熱，別人不當一回事？如果不行，就別答應人！你不知道人家有多認真！很傷人的！

Japan winter 2011

2011-12-28T12:33:00.002+08:00

A friend of mine said that when we are overseas, it is alright to get lost. We are there to get lost. I’ve given that some thought and I found it quite true. However, some people just don’t like being lost. *sigh* I don’t mind getting lost overseas. No wonder I felt that it wasn’t fulfilling, because we didn’t really get to get lost and instead of enjoying getting lost, we fret over it.

Japan 9th Dec 2011
We took ANA to Japan Haneda. From Haneda, I realized that my phone, for some reason, could
not roam in Japan so unless I could access wifi, I am off contact from the rest of the world. My sister seems to rely a lot on whatsapp and viber to keep in contact with the rest of our family so it feels like if we do not have access to the world, doomsday is here! After reaching Haneda, we went to look for the Keiyo line. We used our PASMO and as we were preparing to change to JR line, there was not enough money in both our cards. For me, I knew that I did not have enough but I was not prepared for my sister’s card going out of money. First, I settled my own card so I came out from another exit. Then I saw my sister trying and trying at the gates, the door opens and when she tried to walk pass it, the doors closed on her. I told her to go to the office and she
took a long time. I asked her what happened, she said she did not understand what the officer told her. I told her to ask him in English but she said he replied in Japanese. And then, she stood right in the middle of the JR station with angry tears streaming down her face. I waited for her to calm down before continuing. The journey on Yamanote line was horrible. We were squashed left, right, in, out, upside-down. The people pushed inwards and my sister retaliated. The journey was terribly uncomfortable. Then when we got to Ikebukuro station, the station was so unfamiliar and huge. We lost our way. I asked around for people to help and a nice lady checked up the address for us and told us to walk all the way to the West exit C1. We walked to the West exit and came up and everything looked so unfamiliar. My sister was standing there, tired and fuming. I had to ask around again. Many people shunned us when we approached them. I saw a couple and I approached them and they shunned us too but when they heard that we were merely asking for directions, they came back to help and even sent us all the way to the destination – our hostel. I was so grateful, I was apologizing and thanking them all the way. After checking in, I
hugged my sister and we cried our hearts out. I told myself to not cry anymore after this.

Japan (10th Dec 2011)
We spent our day getting around in Ikebukuro and doing laundry in the hostel. The chambermaid was very nice, she told us to use the free washing machine outside instead of the ones inside which we have to pay. We walked around the station after we had done the laundry and realized that we had made a mistake of coming up the wrong exit the night before. We also tried looking for the Animate at Ikebukuro as I remembered seeing one in an anime called Durarara! But in the end, we failed to find it as we went to the wrong gate. We were at our own West gate.

Japan (11th Dec 2011)
Today, things took a better turn. I was meeting my online friend Lalana-san and she was going to take us to Tokyo towers. We met her at the Akanebashi station. We waited for a while because I had catered some time for us to get lost but we did not so we ended up there super early. We met Lalana-san, went up to the Tower to take pictures. After that, Lalana-san asked us where we would like to go, we said Pokemon center and she took us there. On the way, we saw a temple
called Soujou temple. Then we went to lunch at an Italian restaurant. Did I forget to mention? Food is a problem. My sister hated everything except bread, MacDonald, KFC. So she had pizza at the restaurant. Then we went to Pokemon Center, my sister’s paradise and she bought a lot of things. She was happy, and I was happy, but for a while only because after that, we went to Ueno market and there were lots of people. Did I forget to mention again? She hates the crowd.

Japan (12th Dec 2011)
We went to Tokyo Disneyland. We conquered 10 rides and I realized that my sister was quite
the daredevil. She likes scary thrilling rides. But due to the crowd, taking pictures was a hassle to her. And also, she likes to take pictures of the scenery without anyone in it. 1) That’s impossible to do so in a place so crowded. 2) These pictures are actually meaningless after a while. They look
like pictures downloaded from the internet. 3) Some of the rides are just too dangerous so cameras aren’t allowed. I thought bringing her to Disney would make her happy but apparently I was wrong. I thought I loved my sister but I’d brought her to suffer. That night, I cried a lot, alone again and told myself to enjoy it at least, and not let my sister’s mood affect me.

Japan (13th Dec 2011)
We went to Tokyo Disneysea. We had set off a little later and were caught in the morning rush at the station and my sister was unhappy again. I told her that we might as well enjoy the morning rush. People are rushing to work, we are rushing to nowhere so why fret? We conquered 9 rides and 2 shows. The rides in Disney -sea were more exciting and fun but again, the crowd was a problem. This event has etched deeply into my mind: we went to Ariel’s father’s kingdom and Donald Duck was there. My sister wanted to take a picture with Donald Duck but we were too
gentle, Donald Duck was taken away from us by the real aggressive ones. Then my sister got angry, she said she did not want to take the pictures anymore. So I said ok, I’ll do it then since she did not want to anymore. I turned to the official who came with Donald and put on the most pitiful look and spoke in English, “Can you please take a picture of us with Donald Duck?” The official quickly got the attention of Donald and helped us took a picture. See, it did the job. Why fret? Such events continued to take place later in the week. Anyway, we were very tired after, so we went back after getting the cookies from Disney.

Japan (14th Dec 2011)
The start of my backache. I had to rest a lot after walking for a while. We went to Akihabara to stock up on my anime goods. My sister walked around, looking bored because there was no Pokemon stuff anywhere. She occasionally took up a few of Reborn stuff which my second sister loves a lot and showing them to me. Because of my backache, we decided to stop trying and go back to rest. I had wanted to try out the East gate of Ikebukuro station. My second sister told me just the night before that the Animate at Ikebukuro was at the East gate. But then again, I
failed.

Japan (15th Dec 2011)
We went to Asakusa. First, we walked down Nakamise and my sister found some interesting
keychains which were real cheap. Then we went to the temple to pay our respect and then we walked around the temple. By this time, the temple is finally fully ready so there were many places which even I (who had visited the temple for as many as 5 times) had not explored before. We found Singaporeans there, who were very much helpful to take pictures for us. We also explored using the tripod stand to take pictures for ourselves. The Japanese looked in awe (I wonder why) when we used the tripod. Next we had lunch at the Ramen shop where my sister initially chose an Italian restaurant beside the Ramen stall, over the ramen stall but I had wanted to eat ramen for so long so she went along with me. Then we proceed on to the Asahi building and took pictures. We had wanted to go look for the Skytree but because of the incredulously painful back I had, we ended up resting in Sumida park. After that, we took pictures of the Skytree from Asahi building and went back to rest before the sun sets. There was not much time
left so I need to find Animate Ikebukuro no matter what. I loaded the map of the Animate onto my phone and decided to use it for tomorrow.

Japan (16th Dec 2011)
We went to Ueno zoo. The backache persisted on and I had to rest a lot. Fortunately, the park has lots of seats and we had a bit of fun. By this time, I have grown used to my sister’s dislike for practically everything – food, people, crowd, language, etc – I was overlooking such things and making her appear in my pictures. I made her eat Yakisoba and Takoyaki despite her complaining to me. After that, we depart from Ueno back to Ikebukuro and this time, coming out of the East gate, we deviated from the route which we took the first and the second time. We got lost and using the map, my sister led the way. Halfway down Sunshine City, I found the place very familiar. I was wondering why because this was supposed to be the first time I was there. Then we reached the main road and I found the pedestrian crossing even more familiar. Somehow I felt that I’ve been there, but I might have seen this place in drama…. We crossed
the road and I felt that we have taken the wrong road because instead of getting crowded, the place was getting quieter. But after walking for a while, we saw the sign. As we turned right into a small road, I told my sister that I might have stayed there in the past. Once we turned in onto Animate, memories of 2008 came back to me. Yes, I’d lived just across the road for only one night and Animate was the shop which I had wanted to go but was closed. The pedestrian crossing looked familiar because Sleeping Queen and I had taken a picture right there. We bought a lot of things in Animate. This outlet was supposed to be the main outlet so they have a wider collection.

Japan (17th Dec 2011)
Maybe because of the strong winds blowing the night before and the extremely cold weather on the 17th, I was down with flu. The actual plan was to check out at 11, go walk around and come back at 3.30pm to get our baggage. We went to buy NE’X tickets and along the way, Guma-chan was doing its promotion. My sister wanted to take pictures with the mascots so we got close to them. The in-charge then started explaining to us what the promo was about. I told them we were
foreigners and they said foreigners all the more we must take pictures for memorial and they coned off the place and let us take pictures and took pictures for us. After that we went to Ikebukuro park to rest, I rest, my sister chased after the sun. “Coming to the land of the rising sun, we have to catch the sun.” was what she said. Then we walked around a bit to look for Pokemon snacks but couldn’t find any. Then we went to have lunch at Aloha Table near C1
exit. After that I think I felt too sick and cold to walk anymore so we thought of going back to the hostel to rest. Unfortunately, the inn-keepers were having a meeting but they let us in so we gratefully sat in the kitchen to rest quietly. The boss even offered us the remote controller to the TV but we declined. At 3.30pm, we set off to the station with loads and loads of goodies,
we slowly walked to the station and this time, determined not to let my sister suffer anymore, I chose the route conscientiously, only take the routes with lifts. After getting safely to the NE’X platform, here comes another problem. We have to find the cabin. Instead of looking at the numbers on top, we were supposed to look at the numbers on the floor because there were actually 3 kinds of trains coming into 1 platform. We followed the wrong sign to the wrong
end and ended up dragging our baggage and running back to the other end. I sweated first time in 9 days but it was good. We board NE’X back to Narita with nothing to see outside as it was getting too dark. We did the last bit of shopping at Narita airport and asked the offcial about the difference between the South and the North wing of Narita Airport terminal 1. On the plane, we were assigned seats on the same row but there was someone in between us. I asked the lady if she would like to change seats with me as I’d like to talk to my sister. She did not reply but stood up and gave up the seat. My sister told me that she looked really unhappy. I told her we changed seats for her because if we don’t, she could not rest with us talking on both sides.

Home Sweet Home. We reached home at 4plus in the morning of Sunday 18th Dec.

Taiwan trip reflection

2011-12-28T11:39:00.002+08:00

Taiwan (1st Dec to 9th Dec)

The Taiwantrip was fine. The best moments were washing clothing in Jiejie’s house and Auntie took them up for drying before I knew it. I felt so taken care of even overseas. Auntie also helped us carry our stuff when we moved from Jiejie’s house to the cockroach hotel aka Rainbow hotel at Ximen. Another best moment was meeting Sleeping Queen at the MRT station in Taipei just like we always do in Singapore and shopping together, dinning at the Toilet themed restaurant, and then showing her to our cockroach ‘hostel’ – she exclaimed when she saw the ‘huge-ness’ of our supposedly termed ‘hotel’-and we rested for a while in there. Another best moment was walking around Ximen district in the afternoon, after going to Vigor to buy the cakes. Now we are so good at walking around in Ximen that you can throw us in any part of the district, we won’t get lost anymore. I also found out why I could not book Castle Royal hotel when I did the booking so early in the year. They were down for renovation, that explains why I was given that lousy cockroach manifested hotel.

The worst moments were the attack of the cockroach in the middle of the night. Somehow that night, the air-con was exceptionally noisy so I had a hard time sleeping. And then I saw it, right beside the ventilator! I woke my sister, called the hotel lobby and they said they’ll send someone up. The Chambermaid took forever to come to our rescue by then, the cockroach has went into the ventilator again. She adjusted the ventilator and told us it won’t be coming out again like this which we did not believe her. My sister prepared a plastic bag and waited and true enough, it came out again! My sister caught the cockroach and we called the lobby and it took forever for the chambermaid to come to our rescue again. The next day, they changed our lousy TV. Another worst moment was the occasional motion sicknesses especially the trip to Yeliou, 9fen and Pinxi. The taxi driver, I believe he eats smelly Toufu on his taxi because the taxi basically smelt real bad, was a chatty man who scolds his political leaders more than half of the time when we were on the taxi.

I am so going back to Taiwan next summer for a short shopping trip! Though I’m so scared of the weather in summer, the things are real good. Got to go there with an empty luggage and get comics, cakes, T-shirts and socks, T-shirts and socks, T-shirts and socks and more T-shirts and socks!

Topic of talk

2011-12-27T09:44:00.001+08:00

She was my colleague then. She was complaining about lacking in topic of conversation with her boyfriend. She was thinking of marriage because of that. She was only 22years old. I told her to think carefully about it.

J: I think I should wed my boyfriend. We are together for so long till we have nothing to talk about. So uncomfortable!

I: But what are you going to do after marriage? Sit together quietly?

J: No, you see, after marriage we'll have new topics to talk about like our children, household expenses......

I: Haha, these topics will go off after the children grow up.

J: No, then by then we'll have new topics again.

I: (to myself) Sometimes silence is also quite enjoyable.

Now, I feel that silence really can be enjoyable. Some people really do feel ok just being there. And when 2 people get married because of the wrong reason, things can turn ugly. You have nothing to talk about, maybe that's because you see nothing in common? You are aiming for different goals in life? These kinds of difference can happen in any stage of life so marriage does not create topics of conversation! Getting married is to show that one party really wants to be with the other party through his/her life.

It is sad that many people have actually forgotten about what they have promised during the Registration. And they have walked into the Registrar with the wrong reasons,

不明白

2011-12-24T19:55:00.001+08:00

媽媽說爸爸常鬧脾氣，兩人出門，各坐各的。可是我今天看到的，是媽媽想走自己的。
說要一起搭車，她卻要拉我搭別的。好不容易留住她，她上了車馬上找位子坐，瞪人瞪到人家把裡邊的位子讓出來。
我不懂，是爸爸會做戲還是媽媽不老實？是覺得花了錢搭車就一定要找位子坐才值得？是生我的氣還是甚麼？

Appreciation and dreams

2011-12-23T09:26:00.001+08:00

It was our dream to ride a Harley together. But it was our dream to just have a small bike to ride together in the beginning. So we started off as one, to fulfill our dream.

I told him bikes are so cool, and he agreed. Bikes were the only transportation which would not make me sick. He asked me if he'd look cool on one too, I imagined a cool guy(he was simply too cool to me then) on a cool bike, and I said yes. He said he'll look cooler with a cute girl behind him.

Things happened, people changed. I never got the chance to be the cute girl behind him. We went through the hardship of countless failures during the bike license examination and when he finally passed, our relationship failed.

I saw him chauffeuring women after women. I saw him changing from noisy 2A bike to scooters to 2C cool Honda. I thought he looked terrible.

Lately, there was no one behind him on his bike and he has started using a cool yellow bike. Today, as he rode his bike out to work and I was very free to look out of the window, I saw him in a sleek black jacket, iPhone white earpiece and sunglasses, on the bright yellow with black stripes bike, I thought he looked cool again. It was the near exact image which I've imagined back then. Just that he was a little manlier than then.

Random Thoughts

2011-11-30T19:00:00.004+08:00

Just going through what happened this one week, some of the places where I’ve been to and some of the things which happened lately before setting off to Taiwan and Japan.

1. ATAS dining vs simple dining:
Now I know why the rich can maintain such good figure.

This salmon dish with three pieces of bread from TWG cost more than $30 and I could still hear my stomach grumbling with hunger after empting this dish

while this simple dish cost $3 and had me filled up to my throat.齐妈妈 said why 只吃路边摊，放着名菜不挟. Because 名菜让你吃不饱兜着走！Ok la, I know, look at how delicious the ATAS meal looked and how simple the bak chor mee is... but I know I am just a normal person.

2. How realistic can human be?
Last Friday, I took my little sister out to shop for some necessity for her trip. We were dressed in T-shirt and 3-quareted pants and we walked into Dr. Marten’s boutique. Tell me it was psychological. I felt that the salesperson did not want to serve us. I had to call out to her to get me size 6 shoes and she told me the one I was holding was a size 6. I had to tell her that I wanted a PAIR. I mean come on, use your brain, why did I call you over?
Then she took her time to look for a pair for us and stayed away from us. I had to take the pair to the counter to ask for another pair. Why? I mean shouldn’t she stand beside us when we were trying the shoes out? There were not many people in the store but she chose to serve the well dressed lady who walked away without buying anything.
And I wonder why the salespeople acted this way. The shoes aren’t particularly expensive and people who came into the shop were mostly teenagers. Why act high class?

On Sunday, Stella asked me out to visit the Titanic exhibits and the exhibition was held at MBS. After viewing the exhibitions, we had to have lunch and there were not many choices so we just went into one of the many high-class restaurants. As we stood at the entrance (there were 2 entrances and we didn’t know which one was the real one), the waitress at the entrance motioned for us to stand over at the other side and said coldly, “please queue there.” Then she handed menu to the family standing in front of us and didn’t even glance at us. Stella had to ask for menu so that we could read as we wait. After that, I looked around and it dawned on me that we were the only 2 Singaporeans in T-shirt and Jeans. Ah, I get it!

3. Complicated relations:

a. There are kids who were abandoned by their parents and aren’t angry with their parents. There are kids who will never hate their parents for neglecting them…… but it’s just that there are just not too many of these children around.
b. We are right to say parents love their children but we can no longer say ALL parents love their children. There really exist parents who hated their children and we have no idea why they’ve brought these children to this world.
c. Why is it that a man or a woman can hate their spouses and love their children when these children were actually products of the man or woman whom they hated?
d. It is true that there are step parents who love their step children but it is also true that more than often, step parents don’t love their step children at all and many a times, step children suffered at the hands of their step parents.
e. Never bring children to this world when you are not prepared mentally and psychologically and of course, physically and financially. Do not pass your stupidity to the next generation and make the innocent suffer. Be responsible!

4. Taiwan Japan trip

Finally, I’ve gotten most of the things done and ready for the trip. The only thing I’m having my doubts with is my unsettled meeting with my friends from Japan. What should I do?

Why can't I rest?

2011-11-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

I hate my boss!
Been tormenting me for such a long time and now, I'm still unable to rest becuase of all those things which she wants me to do.

The most recent event, which is just today, she wants me to chair a certain meeting, as a replacement for the actual chairperson who is down with Bronchiatis. Ok, fine, but the thing is that I don't understand the things, I don't know where to start, how to chair the meeting? She didn't even send me to course, how to chair the meeting? My group members are supposed to be more experienced than me, in this field which I'm supposed to chair, how to chair the meeting? I'll be posted to another group next year, why am I not participating in their discussion and meeting? Why am I still stuck here? I'm going to get stuck again next year!

And to top it all off, because she didn't want to accept the tests done by other companies, we are going to come up with our own and the dateline is.... during my break time. How to rest? How to rest? And she put me with my buddy who is pregnant and on Medical Leave, so I'm 101% sure I'll be covering everything myself. Bravo~

I want to QUIT already. If only I can forgo......

It's over

2011-10-27T00:02:00.003+08:00

過去的，就讓它過去，我相信我的決定是正確的。

心病是沒藥醫的，要怪就怪年少輕狂，我只有一個人走下去。

ウチは自分の未来をハッキリ見えるよね。

My life just turned dramatic suddenly. Though I know I needed sometime to heal, from now on, I'm glad that it's only dramatic when I'm this old. I can support myself and go on.
Laoda said this route is not the solution, I'm only running away.
But what can I do besides running? See a psychiatrist?
Right now, the only solution for me is to find back my comfort and go back to being a "normal" person. I know I ain't one and can never be one anymore lol! But then again at least I know. Some less fortunate people never know what is wrong with them or never know there's actually something wrong with them. I should be grateful.

また傷つかられないように気をつけれれば大丈夫だろう。

And my family needs me now. I MUST work hard!

簽

2011-10-25T20:45:00.001+08:00

It has been hell. Can't sleep, can't eat.

I want to leave the feeling forever and be a happy person, back to the time before it happened.

有些遊戲不可以亂玩的，a seemingly harmless 玩具簽也是很可怕的。

Dilemma

2011-10-24T07:47:00.002+08:00

Thought I told myself that I'll just settle for the next one who stopped by.
But everything ZJ did reminds me of GY, I'm so scared.
ZJ said it's been 7 years, I should put it down but I think there's something wrong with me.

This is just going too fast.
Kirara said if u know someone's feelings for u and that makes u want to run away, then this feeling isn't right.
I have wronged once, I cannot make this mistake again.
Especially when I know ZJ is so serious.
I hate this thing called Love because it steals my sleep and appetite.
Because I can't feel this thing called Love and most of all, I can't feel my heart beating...

I only have one month to start this ice cold heart of mine.
Everything will be gone if my heart is still dead by the end of next month.
But it seems like I have already made up my mind.

So drama. How come so drama huh? And so frustrating!

你为什么要走？

2011-10-21T21:40:00.002+08:00

大人的世界我不懂
男女的娱乐我不懂

为什么爱一定要与性挂钩？
为什么两个人在一起少了性就是少了信？
为什么你要走？
为什么我们不能快乐地在一起？
为什么现在突然想起你？

Agency...

2011-10-18T17:41:00.002+08:00

I'd my traveling package booked back in September. Agent told me to get back to him when my internal fight has been confirmed, they arrange transfer from hotel to airport for me. I wrote to them after booking my internal flight immediately. After waiting for one month, there was no reply.

Just now I called. Guess the reply?
"Oh! Yeah! I'm still waiting for the operations side. They are quite busy with some back dated stuff. Actually everything's confirmed. Just waiting for your tickets and voucher. I'll chase them for you again and get back to you asap la."

After I put down my phone, I thought, that means, NOTHING has been confirmed!
Even my little sister understood this fact when I told her the story.

If my holiday burst into nothing in the end, I'll make everyone involved in bursting my holiday suffer double what I'm going through!
I have worked hard, I deserve the break so better make it happen!

What the fish is going on?

2011-10-16T20:23:00.003+08:00

Eh...... Can someone tell me, how come people go get themselves pregnant and I have to work OT?

Mom asked me why am I late home everynight. I dont know what to reply.

Some long long time ago, someone said, "未婚也是肉，也是爹娘生的，想想我們的感受好嗎！？"
I didn't understand and didn't know why she felt that way.
Now, I want to use that sentence and shout it at my boss!

Surprise

2011-10-07T15:45:00.003+08:00

Today, I was actually quite surprised when my mom suddenly told me to go look for a job.

She was asking me why am I always getting weird and long shifts so often, lately because I should be working in the afternoon but I was required to go to work as early as 7am.

I told her that whenever I am required to go out early, I feel unwell. I don't mind working morning shift but I don't like being stretched in the afternoon too when I am in the morning shift.

The hours have become crazier lately. I am required to go to work earlier than usual, more frequently.
Actually I was supposed to go to work early next Tuesday and Wednesday but luckily my name has been cancelled out.

Mom asked me why was my name cancelled out, I told her I was not required for that morning because I was going to another shift next year.
I have been told by my boss that I'll be working morning shift next year but I am required to stay back as late as 6pm to do spot-checking on my colleagues.
That means I'm going to work for about 12 hours......
I'm seriously not looking forward to next year.

Mom said if they drive me up to the wall, just find another job.
I'm really surprised.
This is the first time she actually voiced this up herself.

I look......

2011-10-05T18:40:00.002+08:00

1 week ago......
My boss came to throw work at me.
Boss: 你ok吗？你看起来很累。

Me: Umm... Ya, soon, soon. (Can't remember how exactly I've replied her)

Today......
I came out of the lift and ran into my boss.
Boss: 你ok吗？你看起来很恍惚。

Me: Umm... Ya, soon, soon. (Once again, I can't remember what I've replied her)

In the office......
Me: Boss said I look 恍惚.

老大：是meh？不是恍惚，是累－no，是shag, yes, that's the word, you look shag.

Me: Huh? I look shag......

I'm glad that I an only looking shag. I think I am more than just shag. I'm finding it hard to lift my face muscles to smile.

2 weeks ago on a Sunday......
LY: You don't look good.

Me: 嗯

LY: You seriously don't look good. Is it because I was late?

Me: Not really.

It is just that there is really no push factor for me to smile or feel high spirit anymore. Geez, this really sucks.

I was smiling with tears rolling down my cheeks at work today. What is going on?

Nothing

2011-10-02T18:28:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to start with this......

A few days ago, my penpal and my boss were talking about marriage.
I don't look forward to marriage which is why I don't work hard finding a partner.
I told my penpal that due to the things I've seen, and my upbringing, I think love is a strange element.

People said that getting married is to find a partner to spend the rest of your life with, someone to take care of you when you are old.
To me, what's the point of getting a partner when they changed into someone whom you can never get along with in future?
Isn't it the same as being alone?

People said that having children is wonderful.
To me, why bring a child into this world and educate him and make him suffer seeing his family like this?
And the whole world is going down, he'll suffer even with a nice family.

On Friday, my colleague said that the food which I've been eating aren't nutritious.
I replied that what's important in life is to enjoy while you still can, don't think too much.
She said if we don't have the health, we can't enjoy.
I replied if I don't have the health, I'm just going to hell.
That'll make everything easy.
She said you can't decide when you want to die.
I replied if I am unhealthy, I'll just die.

My mom asked me why do I feel this way.
I replied that because I am sad. There is nothing to look forward to.
She said I am not to go before her.
I replied I won't because I still want to 尽孝道。
I have failed her as a daughter, I couldn't complete a proper life to give her a grandchild, I shall never let her send me off.

What happens if my parents are gone?
I think I should follow them especially my mom.

Very negative but this is the truth.

Brighter note

2011-09-30T09:21:00.001+08:00

Q: do you look forward to work?

A: yes I do!

Q: wow! What makes you look forward to work?

A: the newly opened coffee shop nearby! The food there is fantastic!

Q: umm... Ok I see.

A: I'm willing to go out very early everyday.

Q: ......

Circumstances?

2011-09-29T23:25:00.003+08:00

I don't want to remember all the bad things which happened, just want to make a note on how bad the end of august and the whole of September had been,

With all the stupid nonsense at home, working crazy hours on a particular Saturday last month causing my bones to go haywired, to my boss pushing everything at me and the feeling of wanting to quit more than ever gets stronger everyday, to getting back my poor results, to meeting a perverted and brainless guy online, to spraining my ankle and seeing finally that my boss is a nutcase, etc.

Lately because of all these nonsense, I have become sulky and grumpy and naggy.

Unnecessary care & concern =_=;

2011-09-29T09:00:00.002+08:00

On Sunday, he said that people from our family don't sprain easily. This must be a fracture. The pain was quite a bit much for endurance that night but it got better on Monday. The condition improved more on Tuesday.

Today, I got sick and tired if wearing sports shoes so I'd like to bandage up the foot and wear slippers. When I realized that the clasp was in another bandage, I struggled to get from one room to another. Not knowing about what happened, he said if it swells and it is unbearable, you need to go x-ray. It is better to go see if it is a fracture.

Come on, you get yourself fractured, don't go telling people that they fractured themselves too. I told him to mind his own business and don't show unnecessary concern for me because when I need his concern or things which ge was supposed to show concern, he never does.

Right after that when I came out from the toilet and stepped on his mattress to get to the other side of the room, he told me not to step on his mattress. What? You expect me to step over it? Or jump over? I can't do it and you know it! So much for concern, thanks!

See? That's what I mean......

Help?

2011-09-20T19:56:00.002+08:00

All I ask for is help when I'm in need. May it be big or small.
I don't need you to pay me back anything.

But when I ask you to help me buy a few stuff, you can't even help me willingly.
This half-heartedness, it really makes me wonder, will you help me in future, when I'm asking for a big favor.

What a bother

2011-09-19T09:04:00.003+08:00

It isn't something which I should be proud of but I have never been able to express my feelings properly.

Now I finally understand why my mom said that all I know is spend money, when I took her out for lunch on Mother's Day 2 years ago.
She was upset that her son, my a**h**e brother did not turn up when he promised to.
Why is it always me, feeling the effects of words and or actions of my brother? The haircut incidents, dishes, this......
This further reinforce the fact that my mom loves my stupid brother more and there's nothing I could do about it.
And for me, I HATE the stupid bochap!
I can finally admit that bravely in front of my parents, sorry, thus breaking their heart but they can't blame me for that.

Get on with life! ナルトとデートだってばよ！

2011-09-17T21:54:00.004+08:00

He wrote back a few days ago. He was tied down with work, just the reason which was given by all those penpals who came and went.

Makes me wonder, am I the most eng person in the whole world.

The whole world seems so busy and here I am, nothing to do, no one to date, no friends, no one to talk to......

2011-09-11T18:21:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday. Happy birthday?
Shitty birthday.

You don't wish me! You wish me I get angry!
YOU are the cause of my unhappiness, every single day at home!

THIS is your HOME! NOT a HOTEL!
You take care of your home, you have the responsibility to do so!

Everyone acts as if nothing's happening because they are just giving you face!
But you are not giving us face, not me, I know!
You should be old enough to think and act!
You don't need people to tell you so!

If you think of celebrating people's birthday by treating people, please think first, how can you make people happier on daily basis or even, make people's life easier!

Whys......

2011-09-06T18:33:00.003+08:00

Why do people come and go?

Am I too boring and am exuding too much negative aura that I've scared them all away?

Sometimes I wonder how do my friends, colleagues, family, people around me feel when they are with me.

Are they bored? Am I too negative thinking?

This is the untempth time that my penpals have stopped writing to me. It must have been my problem because all penpals promised to write and failed to reply in the end.

Sometimes I think back on the times when my ex classmates broke down on my shoulders on the graduation day. Why did they cry on the day we parted and left me with no reply when I wrote? Is it their way of saying farewell?

This is the longest I've waited to no avail. He has never let me wait so far so I think this is it.

He must have been putting up with my boring blabbering.

Sometimes I really envy people who go about their exciting and fulfilling life everyday or every other day.

For me, it's just work war war work and at times, relax at home.

Do I want an exciting life? No. I just want a life that I don't need to struggle too much. A life that I don't need to do so much guesswork.

Shut up!

2011-09-03T20:13:00.003+08:00

"When you have problem, the best medication is to talk about it." After I lost control, a certain 'great' pharmacist announced this 3 times.

For the first 2 times, it ended with me breaking down and on the third time, I cut him off by saying, "Ok, but I am not ready for suggestion."

Talk about it! MY FOOT!

If you were to talk about your problems with someone who don't even tries to remember, or care or help, what is the point?

Must I lost control again for him to take notice and stay away from trouble for just a while? Must I?

Here I am trying hard to control, there he is, I don't know if he did it intentionally or not, whatever he is doing is affecting me a lot!

Sorry

2011-08-30T14:07:00.002+08:00

I should not have asked. I feel so bad.

On Saturday, I was working with a neighbour whose mother and my mother are on good terms. Her mother was always feeding my mother with information including her personal life so when I told my mom that I was going to work with her, my mom told me that she's engaged. That was something which etched into my mind very much because I really envy people who are busy and still can afford time to get a personal life.

Let me give her a name call W.

So on Saturday, I accidentally told another neighbour, P, that W was getting married. We had wanted to see if the information passed between the people around the neighbourhood was accurate. And we could congratulate W. So P went to ask W if she was engaged. It turned out that they had broken off.

Today when my mom came back from the market, she told me that the mother of W is very sad. W apparently scolded and her mother for telling too much.
I am so very sorry for creating all these problems. I didn't know that by asking, I was making W and hr relationship with her mother sour. I didn't know that I've asked something which I should not have even mentioned. I should not have mentioned this. I'm really sorry about it.

Relac lah

2011-08-05T20:48:00.002+08:00

太认真，样样要求完美，一切就会变得痛苦
how long does it take to make me realize AND accept that "take it easy" is very important?

Since I've already decided, why not just treat it as honeymoon for the time being?
Let my hair down, don't be so serious.......
I need one more year,, before I am ready.

I need to take JLPT and leave the service after I have achieve at least an N2.
So just take it easy. Breathe......

If I can really relax......

I need to relax......

I'm leaving

2011-08-02T20:25:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, my mom told me that she heard from our neighbour that the package which I am waiting for so desperately, was actually a mere few thousands. Today, I asked my senpai about the number of zeros she got for servicing, she told me the full figure. I wasn't wrong. Neither was my mom and our neighbour. The figure was a 5 digit one, just that it was just nice, a 5 digit. The take home sum is a 4 digit. This is not enough to sustain me because my 2 month bonus will exceed this sum of money. So what is the meaning of waiting for so long for a sum of small?

I took the resignation form today. With my kouhai protesting.
Well, I'm not going to resign straight away, but I'm not going to consider about this issue anymore. It is just a matter of time. This year, or next year.

Reviewing my worklife, just last year, I saw myself still able to find time to chat and laugh with colleagues. Why has it changed so much this year? I'm having a really hard and bad time, even a mere smile looks fake on my face. Reflecting on what had been done, I don't know why am I so unhappy. The things which I'm doing, they seem so unimportant and meaningless, yet meaningful, not to me though. I am wasting my effort yet not so. I am so confused. Am I unhappy with my clients, or my bosses, or my incapability?

Mom said to wait till I've got a job then switch over but the thing is, as long as I am stuck here, I can't possibly go out to look for a job.
My health is in shambles, I can't sleep, I have eating disorder.
My love life is a wreck, it is a vicious cycle, no time for this, no time for that.
My family relationship sucks, because I am not in my right mind.
I really cannot wait. Even if I am going to be jobless for a while, I can't wait.

The future seems so bleak.

Some people, when you look at them, you just can't bring yourself to tell them how you feel.

This month's restriction

2011-08-01T20:53:00.002+08:00

1. No staying out after sun set.

2. No whistling at nights.

3. No staring out of the windows at nights.

4. No staring into the mirror at nights.

5. No taking of pictures at night, outside.

6. No buying of electronic materials.

Expenses

2011-07-29T18:49:00.003+08:00

Where and what do I spend on? Ranking from the most frequent to the least, details included:

1) Books, manga, CDs, DVDs (almost weekly, ranges up to S$200 each payment depending on what is available)

2) Movies, Karaoke sessions, luxury food (almost weekly)

3) Hair products or services (once every 3 months or less, one service can cost up to S$300)

4) Shoes (once every 3 months or less, a pair cost around S$80)

5) Skin-care, make-up products (once half a year but these stuff cost a bomb, a bottle of Shiseido foundation cost S$70 and powder pack cost about S$60, whole skin-care package cost about S$300 odd)

6) Occasional splurge on clothings (each time up to S$500)

I realized I am a very thrifty person. LOL

Such Cruelty

2011-07-25T21:27:00.003+08:00

I hate my boss's praises.
She praise to give me more work.

Long time ago, when I started working, I came home very pleased with myself, because my boss had praised me for the first time!
I told my mom about it and she told me, "You just be careful. She might be giving you more work to do as you've shown her that you are capable of it. They are all the same, they're just testing you out."
I thought not all bosses are the same. I thought it only happened to my mom. My boss really appreciates me.

After many years of working, I had to admit, my mom was right.
All the praises given (e.g. You are so responsible, I have absolutely no need to worry about you, you are actually very talented and capable, we are in auto-drive mode, we can always rely on you, etc), they are just signs that I'll be given more work and responsibilities.
They will always be trying you out.
Either you perish failing or you succeed survivng, I'm sure we all want to survive.
Such cruelty!

Choice

2011-07-24T14:49:00.003+08:00

Imagine this alternate world where a country is made up of 3 to 5 villages. And each village is made up of clans.

Imagine you are the genius from a powerful clan called UCH, of the Leaf village in the Fire country. UCH is clan feared by many, and they hold powers which many sort after. Thus, UCH has been oppressed (unseemingly though, because UCH clan members could only work as the law enforcers in the village) for decades, because the other clans were worried that the very much talented UCH would take over the village or even the country someday.

You, the genius, graduated from the acedemy at the age of 9, was appointed to join the AB squat, the elites who work directly under the Chief of village, at the age of 11. Everyone looked up to you, UCH sees you as an important role, and a member of their own. The village chief trusts you like no one has trusted any UCH before, in history.

2 years later, you were asked to attend a meeting where you realized that what the Leaf village feared, has come true. UCH clan is trying to plan an assasination on the chief of the Leaf village because they had have enough of the oppression. But the chief has trained you well, and treated you like his own son, and he was the strongest, most capable chief in history. If the Chief dies, the whole of the village will be in a state of mess. On the other hand, the village Chief has heard about the UCH's plan. He has made you his spy.

What would you do?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Uchiha Itachi annibilated the whole of his own clan in one day, only sparing his brother, in his hope that his brother would help him atone for his sins. Will you do what he did, if you were him? Sacrificing your own clan for the village? "Blood is thicker than water" or "For the greater good"?

Happenings

2011-07-24T00:09:00.003+08:00

Today, uh hm! Yesterday - to be exact, as I realized it is pass midnight - Sleeping Queen and I went to the Stamford hotel and we watched the fireworks for the national day preview from the 70th storey, unintentionally.

To our horror, (wait! Correction.) To my horror, we saw our money burnt and float up the dark sky. The lights luminated on the smoke which blurred the sky as it spells out "Here lies all you tax-payer's money, RIP". I nearly fainted at the amount of smoke released into the air. I was told that this is part of pollution.

In the past, I used to watch in awe as my mom and dad's money burnt in the air. When I started working, I felt the pinch.

Change of topic. Just now Sleeping Queen and I went to Jack's Place for dinner. The waiter was extremely friendly. So friendly that I am very much uncomfortable with it. Maybe that's his way of interacting with custumers but maybe someone should educate him not to invade other's privacy. And especially so if he is giving his female customers the wrong impression that he is doing something which he ain't supposed to do.

Indulgence is bliss

2011-07-21T21:32:00.002+08:00

The feeling has left me, completely.

Throwing work aside after knocking off really does help a lot. But it took 2 weeks for the feeling to leave me.

Finding something interesting to do after coming home is very important. Be it watching anime, going out to watch movie, going out for drinks, doing spa session, reading storybooks, gaming, it really helps.

Shiok

2011-07-21T00:38:00.002+08:00

Pottering twice in a week is really shiok!
I'll see if I could make a third happen.

But the sound system in Shaw is really bad as compared to Cathay.
The screen was not wide enough either...
Maybe I should try out GV if there's a chance.
Or walk over to Filmgard and catch the midnight one on Friday haha!

Better or not?

2011-07-19T19:17:00.004+08:00

Dear diary,

I realized that I really need to pour my woes and feelings onto you.
To ease the pain and things will take a better turn.

Many times, I had only wanted to write a sentence or two but I ended up pouring everything out.
Feelings flow, thoughts race as the words form everytime I write on you.

I just realized that the head of the TTP has taken me off the most troublesome programme planning.
Now, I only need to concentrate on the full-blown-out-of-control TC project of mine.
And now all I need to do is only work early and end late. How wonderful! No sarcasm at all, I mean it.

And the head of department just threw me a new job scope which I have absolutely no idea what is required of me.
Can I just ignore her?

Yours forever,
Very stressed out me

No.

2011-07-16T16:31:00.002+08:00

Can't say no. I don't know how to say no, or rather when to say no.

No insight, I cannot predict if things are going to go well until I've done it.
But after I've started doing, if I can't cope, when do I say no?
How do I say no?
How do I not be influenced into saying ok again then?

You said I could voice up when it's too much but all you did was convince and brainwash me.

Kindness... My foot!

2011-07-15T18:57:00.002+08:00

This morning, I dreamt that today was weekend.
Weekend has never felt so good before.
Even if it is just for 2 short days.
The heavy feeling was wearing off.
I can finally cut the act and I don't have to bear with the pathetic sight of myself trudging to work.

When I woke up to find that I was actually 24hours earlier, I felt like going back to sleep away the time.

The evening activity which I have been doing from Monday to Thursday, to release my emotions, was actually very tiring, I realized.
But if I do not do it, I don't think I can hold on much longer.

They said I'm looking better today.
Don't tell me that.
You don't know how I feel.
What a relief that I won't need to hold back tears whenever I see every single one of you.
What a relief that I won't need to act that everything is ok when it isn't.
Don't be kind and nice to me, this is no kindness.
You can't be nice anyway, you aren't able to take my pain away and you won't want to even if you can, I know.
So just leave me alone!

我是怎麼了？

2011-07-14T18:01:00.002+08:00

不哭！我要忍住不讓淚流。

身邊的同事都回家了。她們叫我早點回，不要留得太遲。
對她們來說，這是關心。
對我來說，這是無限殘酷。
我的這些無意義的垃圾，誰來忙我做？
每個人只懂得說“加油”。
我真的不需要這種沒意義的關懷。

Am I going insane?

2011-07-13T19:26:00.003+08:00

我想，我可能真的是累了。
迷失方向、空虛，卻無人傾訴。

Today, there was a sharing done by my colleagues. It was supposed to be enriching, enlightening and empowering but I only ended up feeling like crying.
I felt that the whole thing was meaningless, I felt that I am such a failure.
Little did I know that things will take a worse turn in the afternoon with me nearly doing something wrong.

I feel like going to my oppressors who don't have any idea that they're oppressing me and telling them that I will only be working till this year end.
By the way, there were people leaving the service, receiving plugs for their service to the company, this afternoon.
I felt like following suit.
I have tried hard to love my job, to find goodness in it, but I think it has come to a point that I can no longer do so.
I am sick and tired of having to cheat myself, cheat the world, cheat my clients that I am a good worker.

No meaning

2011-07-12T21:20:00.002+08:00

I have serious claustrophobia. As I grow older, this fact has becaome very apparent.

I cannot function properly in narrow space. I hate crowded places and I hate people touching me. I even cannot stand people coming close to me.

It renders me paralyzed with too much things stationed around me.

To dad,
either you don't care or you pretend not to care that your child has psychological problem. Everytime you try to chuck things around me and snatch my space, you agitate me.

くだらない…

2011-07-11T18:04:00.002+08:00

くだらない！

I feel that my life is meaningless.
There is absolutely no meaning in whatever I do daily.
I do get this feeling very often. On days when I feel exceptionally down due to hormonal changes caused by monthly reproductive cycles, the feeling of meaningless is extremely strong.
However, today, I believe I am not going through any hormonal changes, I wasn't discharging anything so why this feeling?

My dear dear friends, I have absolutely no intention to end my meaningless life, I very much want to go on with my life, only hoping that it won't be this meaningless.
I just feel that I am wasting everyday.
I'm looking at this world passing without playing any part in it and I don't understand why am I here, why was I given what I was given and why am I watching the world passing.

Every year around this time, I slack away the time, retreating into somewhere else, no matter how busy I should be.
Last year, I indulged in pigg well into the wee hours of night to make myself happy.
This year, I got myself hooked onto Naruto.
I wonder what will it be next year.

Last Wednesday, my sister graduated from university; I straightened out my plan for the future.
Now I wonder am I ready for what I have planned for myself......

マジでくだらない…

Just an analogy

2011-07-10T15:50:00.005+08:00

As we grow older, we stop putting ourselves in other people's shoes.

We stop listening, we stop thinking.

Is it because our feet have grown too big and we decided not to put ourselves in other people's shoes?

Or is it just the we think our feet have grown too much to fit into other people's shoes?
__________________________________________________________p

Just a little story to share on inconsideration.

My brother was attending a 4 year old's birthday party today so he went shopping yesterday and came back with an ugly stuff bear for the kiddo as a present. The bear could talk so my brother kept pressing on its feet to make it talk.

When he finally went out a moment ago, for the kid's party, my sister was saying that the bear was quite ugly. My dad replied, "didn't you play with it?"

The question was not directed at me but I felt strongly that I should voice up. I said, "Hmm... if I knew my present was played by somebody, I guess I wouldn't be happy."

He replied, "Nobody will ever know."

I answered coldly, "Who knows......"

In real, I feel that there are people who are sensitive enough to feel if something isn't new. And I really felt embarrassed that something so inconsiderate has actually sprouted from the mouth of someone who is supposed to teach us what is good. Very disappointed!

Eating

2011-07-06T21:20:00.002+08:00

Lately, I've been discussing dieting and food with Sleeping Queen. Sleeping Queen asked me once if she was the cause of my obesity. After considering, I think she isn't the reason but I do enjoy eating in front of her. I am at ease with her and I tend to eat more than usual in front of her.

This sudden dawn on me that eating, is actually a very intimate thing to me. I cannot eat in front of just anybody. I realized that if I was not comfortable in front of a particular person, I couldn't eat at all. The most I could do was drink. I have, so far, only ate in front of my family, me close friends and my colleagues from my own department (I do hold back in front of some of them though).

However, sometimes when I was forced to get along with some groups of people, I do slowly open up and eat in front of them but the food really tastes.....bad and uncomfortable.

Naruto series

2011-07-06T00:55:00.004+08:00

Naruto series has touched me, as expected, a good series. I had postponed starting this series for a while because from what I heard, it is a dark and painful series with a lot of sadness. At first, I only knew about Sasuke’s betrayal, besides that, nothing at all. 2 months ago, I downloaded a Crunchyroll App onto my iPhone with free airings of Naruto Shippuden. That was the start of とめられない感情

Of course, I started out Shippuden first, there were a lot of flashbacks and recaps so I got the hang of the whole story pretty soon, not in details though. The show started off with Akatsuki pursuing the one-tail beast holder, Gaara. It gave us a glimpse into Gaara’s life, from the stand-alone-ranger whom people fear and wanted to stay away, to the great Kazekage of the sand village, whom everyone looked up upon.
Next, as the Akatsuki continues with their dark ploy, great Ninjas like Asuma sensei, Ero Sennin Jiraya gets killed. We get to see a lot of Asuma sensei’s life, the seemingly carefree-smokaholic, son of third Hokage, isn’t whom we thought he is. And Asuma sensei’s unborn child…… We also get to see Jiraya sensei’s life, which was linked to Pain, his killer, and the supposedly leader of Akatsuki.
When Pain attacked the Leaf Village, the quiet Hinata protected Naruto. We have always knew that Hinata has been holding a touch for Naruto but because I did not watch Naruto at all, I did not know that she loves Naruto to the extent that she is willing to give up her life for Naruto, while Naruto is willing to do the same thing for Sakura and Sakura, for Sasuke. Now as I am watching Naruto series, I realized that Hinata really likes Naruto a lot. During the Chuunin examinations, one word from Naruto gives Hinata so much strength that death, is not a question anymore. It brought tears to my eyes everything I see her trying so hard to fight Neji, a fight that she can never win.
In the attack by Pain, we also see that Naruto fought Pain single handedly, to avenge his dead teacher and to protect his village. Like Gaara, because of the nine-tails sealed in him, people feared him so much so that they want to be as distant from him as possible. But with the fight against Pain, Naruto showed his worth to the whole village, he became the hero whom people worship. However, after this fight and Sasuke’s union with the Akatsuki, Naruto is never the same again. How I long for the old Naruto to come back. He was less naïve, more serious and less talkative now.
I am glad that I started with Shippuden first. Guides me along the way. As the story went on, I became interested in finding out about the details which I might have missed out although Shippuden really does cover quite a lot. So here I am, now in Naruto series. Something I found out recently which I didn’t know. Sakura was good friends with Ino and Sakura was a weak girl who was frequently laughed at by fellow kunoichis. But as I recall the punch Sakura exerted onto the floor in the first few episodes of Shippuden and her Chakra control in one of the episodes when they were trying to catch the third-tail, I had no idea that Ino was better than her in the past and it was Ino who was constantly protecting her. The Chuunin examination for the 2 best friends really touched me a lot too.
On the whole, this anime is great. So much better than Bleach, despite people telling me that they are about the same. Naruto has so much more depth in the plot and characters while Bleach just go on and on on a wild goose chase. It makes people wonder where and how is it going to end. Oh well, I shall find out is Naruto going to be as good till the end.

Stress

2011-07-02T11:05:00.002+08:00

I can see myself in the real near future. There is really no end to this.

During work, I raced against time working on my own TC project with all the failed hardware and no support, everyday's a failure!

After work, I had to take over from my partner who is currently on another project, to coordinate the MTF project which will take place next 2 weeks. Ever since I was appointed the main in-charge, I have not been sleeping well. And one of my team members is always creating trouble and pushing work to the rest of us. Screw her? I know I should but I'm just not cut out to lead. OT everyday......

When MTF is done, TC will go full scale with external collaboration and I can see myself having to endure all the failures daily, and then, we have a side project coming up in Aug which isn't small scale either. The TTP! Base on last year's experience, that was very unpleasant. There's no end to it! How can I handle 2 major projects at the same time when I'm already full to the brim now?

Not to forget I was actually supposed to be in Japan right now and I am not. And I have speeches, essays, tests to prepare for which I have not done so due to time constraint.

I am exploding!!!

train mundane stories

2011-06-23T21:56:00.003+08:00

Today I took the train home. It was in the afternoon so the train was quite empty. In the second train cabin, there was only one boy siting at the second section of the train cabin. The seats opposite him was empty so I went over to sit. He kept staring at me and the way he hold his iPhone, I was quite sure he was doing something. He kept staring at me and I got uncomfortable. I looked around to see if there was anyone beside me or behind me (which is outside the window already but the train runs underground). What is going on?

Luckily, he got down on the next stop so I didn't have to suffer getting stared at for long.

Males are Yang, Females are Yin. I do believe in that.
I love to sit beside ladies in trains because the seats are cooler beside the ladies and it feels more comfortable to sit beside them (I am super not good with hotness).

This afternoon, after the boy got down, another boy board the train one stop later and sat beside me. This actually hinted to me that there was nothing wrong wih the seat which I was siting on. As he sat down, he was emiting heat so much that I got to stay away from him OMG!

Hell Days

2011-06-09T18:44:00.002+08:00

Hell Day 1 3rd of June
That day, a friend whom I got to know in Pigg, came to Singapore. She reached here after midnight, as I was worried about her, I sent her a SMS to ask if she was alright and to let her know that I was going to bed because I was down with flu, full blown flu. My leg was aching terribly as I went scouting for the place she was supposed to check in to, a hostel along East Coast Road. When I woke up at 3am, I saw her message that she was already in Singapore but she was having stomachache and she asked if I have any medication for that. I only replied her in the morning when I was fully awake.

Hell Day 2 4th of June
I went to fetch her in the airport. The initial plan was for me to buy Nasi Lemak and “九层糕” for her as breakfast but because of her bad stomachache, I brought only medication for her. When I reached there, I called her and when I met her, she was staring hard at me. She told me she’d had breakfast so no harm done. She gave me a bag of Taiwan goodies. Oh, did I mention? She’s from Taiwan. She handed me the bag of goodies but I’d brought nothing for her except the stomachache tablets. I took her to her hostel, we took MRT and she had to buy the EZ-link card. The person at the counter where we initially went to, was very rude. She “oi”ed at us and shouted directions at us from afar, in the airport, yes. After taking the train, we transferred to bus. Along the way, she asked me about the housing, and I tried to explain to her, to her disinterest. She was very quiet throughout and she told me that she couldn’t understand the English we spoke. She told me we sounded strange and we dress strange and that our housing are so strange. After I got her to check in, it started to rain. So she stayed in her hostel and I went home to get prepared for lesson. We met after my class to which she was staring hard at me again to reasons I know not of, and she told me that Singapore girls cannot get pretty no matter how hard we try. I was offended by that but did not say anything. She told me she was told by Japanese and Korean that she don’t need make-up, as she is cute enough. Only people who are not good looking, needs to put on make-up. I said Japanese are very polite, they feel that everything’s cute. We took the boat to Clarke Quay. In the evening, she wanted to go on the GX bungee ride and I agreed to it. We watched some Caucasians went up the bungee and a guy tried to throw his cigarette butt into the river, the butt almost ended up on her head. She was not happy about it, neither am I. Later, as we went to buy the tickets, she decided against it when she realized that one ride was S$45. I thought it would be a good experience for her to go up there as this might be a once in a lifetime chance for her so I paid for her. Then we had dinner and went back.

Hell Day 3 5th of June
That morning was a rainy day too. I could tell from her FB post that she was not happy with the weather. In the morning, we met at Chinatown. She stared hard at me again. I’m starting to wonder why. We took a look at the shophouses in Chinatown and I explained to her about the place, again, to her disinterest. She took some pictures of the shophouses and I decided that I should bring her to the Heritage Center where she can better understand the place with the better explanation. She then told me that she lost the umbrella when she misplaced the umbrella which she had borrowed from the hostel. I told her to buy a new one and return it to the hostel manager in which she did not do so. So on that rainy day, I was he only one with an umbrella. At the Heritage Center, I paid for the entrance and we walked around. Lunch was at the hawker center. She wanted to try Bak Kut Teh but when realized that the dish was S$4, she thought better of it and wanted to wat Nasi Lemak instead, which was S$2. She ordered her food and I went to order Sugarcane juice for her. I saw her taking the ice away from her drink the night before so I ordered no ice. She was very happy about the drink but she told me that the nasi lemak was not filling enough. I went to order satay for her then. When the satay came, she finished all the satay by herself. Then, she wanted to go to the toilet. The toilet in the hawker center cost 10cents. She went to 佛牙寺instead. We also visited Hindu temple later. Then she wanted to go to Little India. Along the way, she asked me why Singaporeans don’t eat in sheltered areas, why do we always eat in hawker centers and coffeeshops. I told her we do eat in restaurants but the prices are higher (and with her budget, we couldn’t possibly go to such places!) but I could not tell her the bracketed ones. She told me she wanted to visit the toy museum so I took her there. Along the way, we lost the way so I had to call my friend to ask and we walked a long long way from Little India to Seah Street. I wonder why we went to Little India as we did nothing there, ate nothing, saw nothing but only check where the toy museum was with my iphone and with her staring at my password. When we reached the museum, again I paid for the entrance fee and as she looked around in the museum, she told me that these are not Singapore toys, they are from America. Then we proceed on to the toilet at the library and she refilled her water bottle for free in the library. Her character was fast becoming bothersome to me. As we rested outside the library, she asked me about Sentosa and I told her it will be expensive. She told me she only changed for S$200++, and her expenses aren’t heavy too so she believe it won’t be a problem. I told her my friend could get us tickets for USS at S$50, I asked her is it alright and she nodded, so I asked her again and stressed on the S$50, she suddenly replied, “so expensive!” I just smiled at her. During dinner, she suggested going to Hainanese Chicken Rice store we saw near the toy museum. I agreed to it but did not say that I wanted to join her dinning. When the menu came, she ordered the set for 2 persons, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to eat something meant for 2 persons and she said she was sure. I smiled at her and asked if there was any garlic in the food. Luckily, some of the dishes were garlic free. When the waitress came with the bill, she stared at me with the “Oh no! We are in trouble” look and ask me we need to foot the bill, what should we do? I told her just foot the bill, I’ll pay her my share but she said she did not have money. She was left with a S$5. So I took out a ten dollar bill and foot the bill for her. When the change came, she took the change and I looked at her, puzzled at her actions. I calculated the bill with her and told her that the change should ne mine. After dinner, we went to Ion and she said Ion is so small, as compared to HK. HK’s shopping centers skyrockets. I told her that’s because SG’s go downwards. She told me she feels that it is more fun in HK. I kept quiet. She also asked me about putting on make-up and buying of branded goods, she told me that Taiwanese likes to put on make-up. Singaporean girls don’t. I asked her does it mean that Taiwanese girls are not good looking? She could not answer me. At night, we went to the Stamford and we had trouble going up as I did not know how. I suggested asking but she decided against it, she told me people might think that we are crazy. I ignored her and went to ask. When we got up there and finally got to see the scenery, she again asked me some questions about our country, commenting that Singapore is so small, other places are more fun. I kept quiet.

Hell Day 4 6th June
It was raining again. We were supposed to meet at 10am, I coaxed my best friend to come along as I don’t think I can stand the way she talk anymore. She stares, makes me pay for her stuff, tells me how bad my country is, how bad our people were, I am feeling extremely uncomfortable about it. She texted me at 9.55am telling me that she had lost her EZ-link card. I asked her where is she, and she told me she was still at her hostel. I suggested to her to go to City Hall and get one when she asked me what should she do. We waited for an hour and a half, in the end, my best friend and I decided to go in first. Then she called me and told me she’s reached there. When I asked her to meet up, she said we should go play by ourselves and meet up later. So we played and waited and in the end, we decided to go for lunch. At lunch, she messaged me to ask where were we and I told her we were having lunch. She asked me were we near the Tiger Sky Tower, I said we are in the world resort. She told me that she was extremely disappointed with me because I was unable to take care of her. She will go play alone. I was so shock and sad by her direct-ness. Too direct for my liking. My best friend suggested that I call her later if not I will feel bad about this as I already was feeling bad. When I got in contact with her again, she did not sound unhappy, and quickly agreed to meet up. I felt so cheated and angry! We met, talk a bit and played together and she again, told me that she thinks it is more fun in HK Disneyland. Sentosa is too small, nothing much to play. I smiled and nodded. She did not take much pictures of the place but instead, made my best friend take pictures for her with my best friend’s camera. In the evening, as we parted as I needed to go see doctor and my best friend had something on, we left early. I told her to go to the other parts of Sentosa to look around. Before we parted, she somehow made my best friend treat her to a drink which I only got to know 2 days later and my best friend did not think that she sort of ‘forced’ her into treating her. That was how I felt the first time I treated her. Before we part, we also saw 2 Japanese boys buying drinks in 7Eleven. She told me to go talk to them, I did not reply. Then later I commented that the boys are cool as they could understand English well and she replied that they aren’t cool at all, they are not even handsome. I wanted to reply but it was hard at first then I said I didn’t mean their looks. I meant they way they did things. I was real glad later that my best friend and I parted with her at the train station in Sentosa as she proceed on to look at other places.

Hell Day 5 7th June
Some more? Yes. She’s gone back in the morning so I thought everything’s back to normal. The weather at least, was back. She went back and took the rain clouds with her. I thanked her for coming to visit, in which she replied that she is very unhappy with the fact that she did not have time to send a postcard back home and she lost her EZ-link card, she is very angry. She also sent me a message telling me to get the pictures which my best friend had took for her. I wonder if she knew that she was actually imposing more trouble upon people. I told her that my best friend and I are getting busy so she has to wait till I could go to my best friend when she is free and get the pictures from her and send to the Taiwanese. I feel like crying. I should not have met up with her.

Yesterday, I met sensei online and he asked me about the meeting. He asked me if something bad has happened even though I have not told him or anyone anything. He said there was no K-san’s pictures in my FB folder so he has the feeling that something not right has happened. I told him briefly what happened and that we could not really get along maybe because of cultural difference but I did not think that Taiwanese behave like her. I mean, I have Taiwanese friends and they are all mega nice people. He consoled me that if someone could not get along with even me, then she won’t be able to get along with anyone else as I’m easy to get along with, I felt so touched by what he said. Even if it isn't true, as Japanese are very polite people, I am thankful for him. He also told me about how he felt about K-san as he had come into contact with her in the past and he did not like her at all. That’s my sensei, such a sharp man. And thank you sleeping queen, you might think that you’d done nothing that day at Sentosa but I can tell you, just by being there on that day, you have calmed me a lot. I could无视于a lot of things she said and done.

For the lone ranger

2011-06-05T23:37:00.004+08:00

我們在還沒開始就結束了。

感謝你不用我開口說清楚就明白。

我這樣的拒絕人的方式，聽得懂的人，你是第一個。

果然是熱愛日本的好人，謝謝你。

對不起讓你成為lone ranger。

想對你說，卻不敢說。

我知道你是不可能來到這裡看到這些的，不然你不是不會放我走，就是會恨死我。

你永遠也不會知道，你是我的白馬王子。

可是當你放棄的時候，我好難過，想了很多，也理清了自己內心的感受。

事實上，我覺得我的生活沒甚麼不好，也沒意思改變。

你這麼認真，我不想浪費你的時間。

當你決定回頭，我只能說對不起，太遲了，我沒做好心理準備了。

不要悲觀，人生有起有落，你會找到你生命中的那個她，一定的！

Unhappiness

2011-06-01T23:03:00.002+08:00

1) It's been almost one month, I'm not getting any better. Everyday I just cough, cough and cough some more. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse but I've never recovered from this illness. I'm sick and tired of coughing myself hoarse, I'm sick and tired of not being able to laugh my heart out. I've tried everything including eating my sister's medication but nothing happens. Now I think I should go on a strict no chicken, no chili, no cold water diet.

2) I hate my boss!
Only for today.
She's came back from her long leave to everyone's dismay and to our disappointment, she gave us big bombs as presents as soon as she comes back. She wants all projects done big scale, claiming it's for our appraisal. But no. She gets more credit for all the successes she reaps from our hardwork. And today's meeting was supposed to end at 4pm, she stretches it all the way till 6pm. Because of her ambition, I had no dinner tonight. I had to rush home, get my bag and go for my makeup lesson with an empty stomach. In the end, I settled for a cold smoke chicken burger and ended up coughing the whole night =_=;

Shut your trap!

2011-05-24T23:04:00.001+08:00

I am NOT rich so stop saying I'm rich, sicko!

And money can't solve all problems! Money can't solve MY problems so stop telling me I have the money, money-face idiot!

Depressing

2011-05-17T20:11:00.002+08:00

Why is life so depressing?

Walking around at home, looking at the angry and troubled faces around me.

We've each our own troubles to handle, we don't need extra handful from others.

Why is it that we're still giving each other problems?

When there's a need to think and choose words carefully, to talk to family members, one can be quite sure that these people whom one is living with, are no longer kin to one.

How depressing......

童谣：客人来（改版）

2011-05-14T12:51:00.003+08:00

小时候的世界是血腥的，是有想象力的。
今天聊起了小时候的我们，我挖出了这首小时候制作的歌曲。
这是我小学五年级的作品：

《客人来》

客人来，看爸爸
爸爸不在家。
我请客人请坐下，
再敬一杯茶。

客人亮出一把刀，
向我讨钱拿。
我拿出爸爸的弯刀，
来比个高下！

客人来，看爸爸
爸爸不在家。
我请客人请坐下，
再敬一杯茶。

客人像只大野狼，
吃光我的糖！
等我叫我的爸爸，
一枪毙了他。

客人来，看爸爸
爸爸不在家。
我请客人请坐下，
再敬一杯茶。

客人长得比我帅
我不会放过他。
我把客人压在地上
四脚朝天啦~

客人来，看爸爸
爸爸不在家。
我请客人请坐下，
再敬一杯茶。

客人的奶非常大，
我好想尝一尝。
我只是吸了一下，
客人奏我下巴！！！

客人来，看爸爸
爸爸不在家。
我请客人请坐下，
再敬一杯茶。

Pain

2011-05-09T13:01:00.001+08:00

さすがペインです、よくつけた名前。

あのとき、デイダラーが我愛羅を殺した時より
痛みを感じました。
そして憎しみも感じました。

何の正義だって？
大勢な人々が巻き込まれたこと、
何の正義だ、これ？
木の葉隠れが全滅、
自来也仙人や五代目の火影のツナデさん、カカシ様まで、皆死んじゃった。
あまりにも辛かった。

ナルト君、よくやってせー！
ペインを全員ぶっ倒した！

blogging in Hokkein

2011-05-09T10:23:00.003+08:00

Ma gong "Na si wo wu jit pa ban!" wo siong kee Tan Luey eh "Jit Pa Ban"(ai knua, ji peng diam jit eh.)

"Na si wo wu jit pa ban, jit si lang dio kin sang"
zun bo? kin sang ah? lu dio jit eh tao bio jit pa ban lai, knua jit eh, kin sang bo. kee gia $$$ ka eh joon ah! kin sang bo? ah lu gia tio $$ liao teng cu buay tam sim pa qio hor? zai la! jit si lang joon gao bo lang zai ga tio la.

"Bo gong bo lang zai, gong liu jin pai sei, ja gao a ne tua hang, hnua mm pak ze hway ki"
si an zua? wo 20hway ga ze hway ki, wo bo sia suey lang. wo yong wo eh $$$ ze hway ki jitpun jia sushi, bo lang gong wo waste $$ hor. lu sek zui yong lu eh lao pe lao bu eh $$ ze hway ki hor lang chio ga sai cua wo ka lu gong!

This is not easy.....

Saturday's thoughts

2011-05-09T10:10:00.002+08:00

Saturday, the GE.

Who says the young Singaporeans don't care about politics?

For this pass one month, I see people of my age talking about the parties involved in the GE. Postings regarding GE was everywhere and people were not shy about voicing out who they support.

I also remembered walking pass some middle school children and they were reciting: 亲爱的选民，请把你珍贵的一票投给________，谢谢and elementary school children were cheering: vote for _______! Vote for __________! It will be like 15 years before they could vote and here they are, they could memeroize these better than any of their subjects taught in school.

People stayed up late to watch the release of results of the GE - sad to say I had wanted to do so but was unfortunately unable to do so - and posting them all over FB, I had aa particularly friend who posted hourly updates on the vote counts from Twitter.

We can't say that young Singporeans don't care about politics. We do, as a matter of fact!
I guess it is just that when we were not given the chance to show that we care, we couldn't show it.

A woeful weekend

2011-05-09T10:04:00.002+08:00

It was supposed to be a long weekend, a long awaited long weekend and I wasted it all in bed.

From Friday night, I missed Beautiful Neighbour, having gone to bed super early because of the stupid sore in throat.

On Saturday, I missed my high school best friend's wedding because I was still in bed. I broke my promise of getting Zinger burger for my little sister and having missed my best friend's wedding which was at Orchard, I did not collect my books in Kinokuniya.

On Sunday, I missed going out with my friend, I had so wanted to hear her stories at work but I could not. I wasted the whole day in bed again and brood over the difficulty of sallowing my food at mealtimes.

Today, my throat is still aching and still, I am wasting time in bed. Breakfast was bad, not looking forward to Lunch at all.

别再这样了

2011-05-02T14:08:00.003+08:00

“不结婚，心里会变态的。”

是的，我知道。可是结了婚，心里也是会变态的。
早变，晚变，还是会变，为什么在变态的时候，要连累别人呢？
变态地自己一个人生活不是更好吗？

“上网找男友吧，扩大你的生活圈子。”

扩大生活圈子？这很好啊！可是上网找男友嘛。。。这个。。。

“你怕什么？”

然后老师说了几个她女儿上网寻友的故事给我听。
是的，没什么好怕。
但是
第一：我不是她女儿，我们不一样，我没有办法像她女儿一样应付那些人
第二：我的事，不是每一件都要公诸于世的，我没说，不代表我没有
第三：我自己最清楚我自己要什么。像我这样的人，谁会接受呢？
网上找男友很麻烦的！

“又不是叫你找网上男友。”

你不了解我，有时候我很希望你能闭上你的臭嘴！
这句话，我想对小我一岁，却又自认自己生活经验很丰富的同事说。

“有时候不是要你结婚，是有个谈恋爱的经验。”

我不说，不表示没有。
如果是要个经验，那就免了。
6年的伤痛未能全挥之不去，何苦？

“真的，你应该去找个男友，等老来你会后悔的。你的兄弟姐妹都成了家，只有你一个。”

真的，我的情况你们知道多少？
我自己的事，我自己会决定，我自己会搞定，不用你们费心。
如果是这样，以后不要出去聚了，对我的精神带来很大的压力。

请不要干涉我的私生活。
单身人士为什么心里变态？
是社会给的压力造成的！
是周围的“亲朋戚友”无味的“关怀”所带来的心理压力。

累了

2011-04-22T10:44:00.002+08:00

我是不是該安靜地走開，還是該在這裡等待？
等你明白，你給的傷害，我永遠都不會忘懷！

像你這樣的人，我要喊你聲“哥哥”，我真的做不到！

Yesterday, I was so tired, totally unable to blog.
In the morning when I woke up, the toilet was occupied. It was 6.30am and it was occupied!
That stupid bloody person usually wakes up at 8 plus to snatch the toilet from me.
I didn't think that he would be in there again so early in the morning.
I had to use the toilet urgently as I needed to go out at 7.15am.
Mom saw me waiting outside the toilet and she told that stupid person to make it quick as I need to go out.
He replied "huh? How coincidental!" and, he then started bathing.
I thought he had to go out early so all I could do was wait outside, do nothing besides crying and watching the time tick away.
He finished his bath and was in home clothes and he went to sit in front of his computer.
I was left with only less than half an hour then.

For someone older, supposedly more matured, if you know someone needs the toilet urgently and you don't, the more rational way is to let the other use the toilet isn't it?
For someone so selfish like him, he never feel this way, he can never understand.
I had a hard day yesterday, having cried in the morning, I felt so tired all day, with headache.

Today, he and his big mouth was talking about not allowing our dad's condition worsen.
Look who's talking now!
He who is so selfish, always making dad angry, aggravating dad's condition...
How dare he said not to worsen dad's condition!
Who is he to say that we shouldn't allow dad's condition to worsen!

I am extremely ashamed to have such an older brother!
I really hate you, I'm sorry to say that.
I can't tell you directly because this is going to hurt someone else even more.

Confused feelings

2011-04-12T07:53:00.002+08:00

What if.....

Someone whom one loves dearly dies, one feels sad, and prays dearly that the loved one could come back to life, the wish was granted on the expense of another person, how would one feel?

I saw Gaara's death, I was extremely angry with Akatsuki organization, and totally devastated.
Gaara's death was quite disbelieving -- the great Kazekage dead? -- so I prayed hard for him to come back.
From the way Naruto looked at Gaara's dead body, I know Naruto felt the same way as I did.

But when grandma Chiyo sacrificed herself in exchange for Gaara's life, I did not feel happy at all for Gaara's resurrection.
Instead, I cried harder even though I did not have any strong feelings for her.
From the way Naruto reacted when he knew the truth of what had happened, I know Naruto felt the same way as I did.

It was all their fault! I want to punch them hard in the face. This is the first time the baddies in Anime actually stirred such strong negative feelings in me. When I saw Naruto punching Deidara non-stop, I was actually cheering him on. I had wanted all members of the Akatsuki organization dead.

掀起你的頭蓋骨

2011-04-02T20:55:00.003+08:00

To be sang to the tune of: 掀起你的蓋頭來

掀起了你的頭蓋骨

讓我來看看你裡面

你的腦呀黑又爛呀

好像那墨汁淋在糞上！

2011-03-31T21:56:00.001+08:00

其實不用說得太白的。

我可以跟得上，只要有一點蛛絲馬跡。

所以我才不喜歡把話說得太白，

太麻煩了！

更不喜歡需要把話說得白的白癡！

What do I want?

2011-03-25T21:38:00.003+08:00

Every year, I've set targets for myself, I've made resolutions which I've never managed to fulfill them. Somewhere half way down the year, things changes. I lost my way.

Last year, to improve my Japanese proficiency, I enrolled myself into 2 classes only to realized that one of them did not allow me to voice up freely. I quit it. At the end of the year, as I read through my resolution for 2010, I realized that I had told myself that conversation course is very important and then, I remembered that it was because of the conversation course which blasted my Sundays. Last year, I clung onto my Advance course and told myself that I shall go to Further Advance no matter what. It was in my resolution that I shall go on to the end. This year, having finally entered into Future Advance class, I realized that this was no longer an interest matter. This is survival. I think I should quit.

I want to break out of this clueless life. I hated my job. I've been telling myself to love it so that I'll enjoy it at least. I tried, believe me, and I failed miserably, i failed thoroughly. I've been cheating people, cheating myself and am suffering. I was never cut out to do this job, I've hated it from the beginning till now. (Note: for people who'd heard this so many times and had yet to see any actions taken, it is not that I'm just complaining for the sake of it. I truly, sincerely am tired of this job but I really don't know where should I go. I don't even know my own strength so I am just stalling for time.) I've known that from the first day working.

I want to quit it all! I want to get a few more piercings here and there, and a tattoo of a middle finger pointing upwards that say "F*** the world" at my back and live like a scum who don't need to care about her parents who don't even give a damn about how she is suffering internally except for the fact that she is making money in the industry.

That's what I want right now!

Joking? No, definitely! I am seriously, simply tired of all these. I have nowhere to go, I don't know where to go and how to get where. All people do is make comparisons and tell me how fortunate I am. The thing is, the term fortunate differs from people to people.

Yet another hero

2011-03-21T09:40:00.002+08:00

My PC had died on me yesterday.

No matter how many times I've restarted, the PC did not work.

The first time, it had started up ok until the graphics became patches, the mouse was not working. I had to force it to shut down. After that nothing works anymore.

Thank you my hero, for accompanying me during the holidays.

R.I.P

My darling, me hero

2011-03-19T21:08:00.003+08:00

She was given to me, in a spaceship cockpit when I was 13 years old. She had a twin brother and he was given to my elder brother when he was 14 years old. The pair of twins weren’t the most beautiful and I did not appreciate her back then. It was until one afternoon, when I got into an accident, and then I started appreciating her.

I was into sports at the age of 13 and was a very rough girl. I have broken so many watches and I do not appreciate those watches. Dad saw that instead of wasting money buying cheap and lousy watches one after another, why not just get a good one once and for all. So, he got me a Titanium, scratch-proof Seiko Kinetic for me. She came in a blue and silver spaceship-cockpit-like container and I was so awed at the container but when I opened up to reveal what was inside, I did not like her at all. She was not special, she was not beautiful, why did she cost such a bomb - it was priced at $300++ back then, the price sky-rocketed to $700++before the last of Kinetics died off – for us? We weren’t well off so I could not understand why the need.

One morning, I was going out with my brother and his friend to check out the empty grassland – where the Marina Bay Sands is now situated – by our bikes. We reached there at noon and as we were making our way home, my brother suggested that we went by Shenton Way. The traffic was heavy and we were using the pedestrian crossing – big mistake – to cross the roads. When I was nearing the curb, my brother’s friend got in my way, there was nowhere to escape as there were people walking with us everywhere and my bike rammed into the higher side of the curb and I flew off the bike from the front. There were scratches everywhere over my body; the bracelet of my watch was broken to pieces but the face lay on 2 grills of the manhole – missing the hole by only an inch – scratch-less and unscathed.

We took her to the ‘doctors’ to get her bracelet back and ever since then, she was with me for years, never giving any problem. She never stopped moving just so long as I wore her. She was so light and even when I was rough and I scratched her against metal surfaces, she remains beautiful.

Whenever I tell others that she was more than a decade old, no one believed in me because she looked so young. People asked me why am I always with her, and I replied that she was the best. I couldn’t find any fault in her therefore, I could not settle for another. And true enough, it took years, for her to eventually show me that she has aged, despite the fact that I didn’t want that to happen.

Recently, she is very ill. She hardly accumulates any power anymore. If I were to miss wearing her for just one day, she stops working and it took days to make her come back again. Mom said the battery in her has stopped working and suggested that I brought her to the ‘doctors’ again but I had to wait till holidays in order to do so. Mom told me that if I waited, she might be too sick as the battery melts in her and caused her internal organs to stick together. I really could not find time so Mom bought me my second Seiko watch, this time, an automatic one. When I put her on, she was so heavy, it felt like wearing weights on my hand and she was not scratch-proved so I might scratch her any time having used to wearing Kinetic.

I’ve only learnt to appreciate Kinetic when she is leaving me soon…… Now I could only pray that she comes back well.

extreme sadness?

2011-03-18T02:05:00.002+08:00

Finally feeling better after so many days of rest.

This is not something which I would usually share about but this has finally ended my 10 month long of illness-free record.

Last Friday, I went to the salon with my colleague to have my haircut. My own hairstylist went overseas so I followed my colleague to hers. I had a nagging headache when the hair dye was applied to my head. Later, I went on facebook to look at the newsfeed and what I saw, caused excruciating pain in every inch of my body - no exaggeration though - and to make things worse, the trainee scratched my head while washing my hair for me. The pain was near unbearable. I fell sick thereafter.

On Saturday, the news continued to report on the Japan quake and Tsunami. I was so sick that I skipped my Japanese lesson. I was smelling rotten eggs for the whole day. When I tried to clear my airway from the being disrupted, the phlegm which came out were brown and smelt horribly like rotten eggs.

On Sunday, the news continued. Japan wasn’t getting any better then, the aftershocks were strong, all my friends in Japan were feeding us with hourly information of everything. Nuclear plants having exploded and melted down at Fukushima, everything was in a mess. I went to the toilet in the morning, and came out green in the face. There was blood after I’d urinated. There was no discomfort and pain. I went to my mom and told her about it, she was indifferent about it. She just told me that I was not well.

On Monday, the news continued on, I was getting quite worried by this time, both about my friends and my health. I was having difficulty contacting some of them and I do not know what was wrong with me. When I went into the toilet to pass motion, there was blood again.

On Tuesday, a third Nuclear Plant exploded. Food shortage was fast becoming a major problem. I have given up tracking, both about Japan and about my health. My friend told me to go see doctor but she also said that sometimes these are nothing. However when we go to the doctors, it becomes something. Why scare myself? I have got scared enough for the past few days. I don’t even check to see if the bleeding has stopped. Why worry over something which we have no control over? I rather do something within my power. I went through the list of associations and sites for Japan quake aid to see what I could do. The SRC was looking for help desk officials to handle calls from Japan. I could only help out during holidays. In the end, I’ve settled for monetary donations.

Ethnicity

2011-03-02T18:56:00.003+08:00

Is it just a passing in life?

I remember back in middle school, I desperately wanted to become a Caucasian. Being a Caucasian was a cool thing for me because I was so in love with X-men's Scott, a.k.a. Cyclopes. That was when my English improved tremendously and I got super interested in English books.

Then, when I stopped having a crush on Scott, I was glad that I am a Chinese. Jay Chou is a Chinese and he was absolutely cool to me. Chinese was getting hot so it is perfectly fine to be a Chinese. I stopped wanting to be a Caucasian.

Years later, I envy my friend. She is a Japanese but she can't speak Japanese. She'd lived in Singapore all her life while her dad and brother lived in Japan. I so wished I'm like her, a Japanese. Is it just a passing in life?

Complains

2011-02-28T18:50:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely frustrated with almost everything!!!

I am frustrated with my job, my health, my hair, my weight, my capabilities, my parents, some colleagues, having not enough time....

Nothing makes me happy.

Wonder how some people could make a din out of small little mundane stuff........

知足常樂

2011-02-20T11:50:00.002+08:00

每次要受挫之後才會停下腳步來

才發現自己變得多貪心

才明白知足常樂的道理

可是我就是這樣

類似的挫折發生幾次表示我永遠學不會。

Sadness

2011-02-18T19:21:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, the cause of sadness is so difficult to explain.

I was supposed to be going to Hokkaido, Japan for Japanese course last July, the big boss consented to it but as boss did not allow me to go, I've stayed with the condition that I get to go this year. Foolishly, I thought this year I was going. When I seek the big boss's permission to take leave three days ago, she said she had to consider. Yesterday, my boss told me that the answer is no. She has also explained to me how the big boss think.

Three days ago, I was very upset and angry because I felt cheated. I've stayed and now my dream is more far away than ever.

Yesterday, I felt sad, real sad. It's been a while since I've cried so much. Because now I know the reason, there was no one to hate. Just that, why did the big boss gave me the illusion that I'll get to go?

Today, the big boss came to talk to me and instead of covering up her faults with stupid excuses, she admitted that she did not consider my leave carefully when I'd approached her last year. I couldn't hate her. She's understanding and truthful and I can feel that she was sorry for misleading me. That made me feel sadder.

I know the verdict has been made, nobody's fault, and now that the anger has faded, I've lost all strength to fight and there's no opponent anyway.

meaningless conversation?

2011-02-14T20:46:00.002+08:00

Today, Kirara was at home, no school for her. I envy her.

Me: Woah! An off-day! I want my Mondays to be off too.

Kirara: If you got your Mondays off, you'd want your Tuesdays off.

Me: That's true. And then I'd like the whole week off.

Kirara: If you got your whole week off, you'd want more off.

Me: Yeah, I want my whole year to be off.

Kirara: .... then?

Me: No, I want my whole life to be off.

Kirara: And then it's not just one life-time you want.

Me: Oh yes! Then I want to become 神仙. But then when I become 神仙, I'll realize that 神仙works too. Then I'll ask who don't work. And someone will tell me that the scums don't work. Then I want to become a scum and when I become a scum, I realize that scums don't want to be scums. So better work.

Kirara: ......(rolls her eyes.)

An episode

2011-02-10T10:14:00.002+08:00

A terrible fight broke out last night. I've never seen Kirara in such rage.

It all started with Bochap sitting on the stool without changing his clothes, as usual and the 2 girls protested but he replied that he will wash it later but Kirara said that he always forgets to do so. Then he sat there and took off Wato's soft toy which was attached to her handphone. The hook was spoilt and Wato was very angry.

He then walked away as Kirara asked him for something which he might have kept spare. He went up to get it and Kirara told it that she wanted something which he has not used before. He became offended because he thought she should not state any requirements when asking something from someone. It was like a demand but Kirara explained that that was why she wanted something which he has kept as spare. He said that is not spare, that is new and he told Kirara that he does not open a shop and the stupid fight escalated. They were shouting at each other and she was crying as she said that he is always demanded us to use his things but we can't even voice up what we want.

Then as I walked pass the stool, I took it up with me so as to wash it. We met on the stairs and he tried snatching the stool away from me saying that I wanted him to wash it. I was thinking what is wrong with him? I told him not to start with me as I've got nothing to do with his quarrel and I did not even open my mouth to say anything. So he asked me if I wanted to wash the stool, I replied yes and he told me to let him wash. And I said if he wanted to wash it then say so, don't say that I wanted him to wash. He went into the toilet, crashing stuff and earning himself another yell from Kirara.

He said we treat him like dirt. I wanted to tell him that we don't but we do find him dirty as he don't change his clothes. He got so angry and went to bathe in the end

容身之處

2011-02-09T10:04:00.002+08:00

一個需要小心翼翼生活的『家』，不是家。

一個需要注意言行舉止、思想意見的地方，不是一個讓我們安心敞開自我的地方。

家人之間存在著愚蠢幼稚的隔夜仇，不是一家人，是一群同個屋檐下的相識者。

這樣子好累好累，好懷念過去......

一个毕生难忘之人

2011-02-07T21:03:00.002+08:00

在回家的路上，春风把一阵我熟悉的味道给吹来了
他无声无息地钻进了我的心里
顿时，两首歌浮现在脑海里，反复地反复地在脑海里响起

想起当时在一起的甜蜜
想起被背叛时的痛
想起差一点复仇的幼稚

回忆不断地重演，没有办法，停不下来

可能近来得知他又恢复单身身份
可能近来看见了很多像他的人
可能我本来就想念他
可能我一直都没有忘记他，却不肯承认
可能我真的好喜欢他，却不知道为什么

Irritation

2011-01-29T13:15:00.002+08:00

On my way to school but feeling extremely irritated!

My dad opened my letter accidentally and mom found out about it. I knew it was mistake so I said that from now on we had to read the names on the envelops carefully because the letters all look alike and it is not like only mom and dad are getting these letters only, like how it was in the past.

Later, mom said I was commanding him, I was on my 'working' mode and I allowed no mistake, my dad said he wants to move out of our house! He said next time he was not going to take care of the letters for us. We are going to take care of them ourselves.

I got so irritated! Hello!
1. I hate people mentioning my job during my off-job time. Don't brand me!
2. I suggested something and mistake was made by someone who's not me, why can't he just accept it?
3. It was not I who did not allow for mistake. It was him! His son was rude to him on countless times but he never once said that he wants to move out because of that. I wasn't even rude!

It has happened before, not the first time. I know I was never comparable to their son, whatever I do, I can never earn what I deserve. To make it simpler, they've never love me more.

So irritating! Move out! I'm sorry to say that I don't feel sorry at all for what I've done. And I don't care even if he really moves out. It is he who must bear in mind that if he moves out, I won't suffer alone. Everyone will suffer together!

Jan stress

2011-01-24T20:32:00.002+08:00

The saga continues...

This is seriously, a yearly business and it is getting no better.

Stress level rising high. I am fast becoming very stressed out.

The ballooon's got stretch lines already, bursting soon.

Unlike last year, I was not assigned to be in charge of any major project but what I was in charge of, the mini projects for department, I am still in charge of those. And we have not even started on it because of some miscommunication from up there and the M people are coming down to visit us. The boss's boss has already given me a call and my boss still is not back from her wedding. And I was asked to do up a plan for something outside of my scope. I wonder why was I asked to do it, lack of manpower? Or they are planning to fire me?

Future

2011-01-21T20:37:00.003+08:00

In life, everyone's constantly thinking and planning for their future.

Whenever I walk pass people deep in conversation, many times, it involves discussion about the future.

We are constantly thinking of ways to live a better tomorrow.

If we want to live a better tomorrow, we have to work hard now.

Somehow, I don't want others to plan my future for me, but I don't know what to do or where to start. I don't have much choices to begin with either.

People are constantly urging me to plan for my future, but the thing is, I do plan. The plan just wasnt something which they had planned for me. The plan, does not include setting up my own family. Why is it so important, to set up my own family? Why did my mom, sometimes tells me to go get my own 'burden'? Why are my colleagues constantly trying to introduce me to someone? Why is my boss giving me KPIs on my private life? Do I look desperate? Or do I look like I am much too free?

They told me about the goodness of setting up my own family, but what I see, were just problems brought about by love and family. What is the use of trying to get along with someone, at the end of the day, and quarrelling away? The main objective was for someone to take care of us, when we grow old but why try to live with someone who is quite impossible to live with when he or she grows older and changes? I rather grow old quietly by myself. Why suffer together, when we could have suffered alone? Why bring some burden into this world and push all the burden to your-once-burden and everyone suffer together?

I've read through my posts in 2007, they had been sweet, lots of sweet memories. A meer 2 years, everything changed.......

『無怨無悔、活出色彩』可能嗎？

2011-01-13T08:43:00.004+08:00

生活要求我們不斷地向前行。

一直回頭、沈浸在過往，後悔

生活將會變得不實際，乏味。

『如果能夠從來，我一定會......』、『我要忘了這一切』，『為甚麼當時沒有......』

這都是我們常會說的話

這些話，說了有用嗎？

Morning

2011-01-11T09:06:00.002+08:00

People who rejects suggestion and advices, gets to nowhere with their stagnant, ridgid ways. Times are changing, things are changing, we have to listen to the younger ones. Age means experience but not everything!!!
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.E.O.P.O.

Someone lost his bunch of keys, asked 'permission' from me when I was in the toilet and expected me to lock the door for him! If I wasn't able to come down in time to lock the door, what's he gonna do? Walk off with the door wide open? Geez, the house isn't safe anyway, with someone like him, his bunch of keys could be anywhere!

What a morning! The weather is so good, ruin by a stupid freak!

希望时间停下来

2011-01-02T20:02:00.002+08:00

假期的开始是春天

假期的结束是世界末日

现在有这样的感觉

一旦突破了开工的那一天

这样糟糕的感觉就会消失

因为我会拼命地向前冲

期待春天的到来

New Year Resolution

2010-12-31T21:44:00.002+08:00

I reviewed my new year resolution for 2010 a few weeks ago and realized to my horror, how many things I have failed to complete. How many plans I had went against this year.

For one, I was not able to go Kyuushuu. Instead, I went HK to suffer. Next, I was supposed to save money and not buy any CDs besides Gackt-sama's but after his 10th year anniversary, Gackt-sama decided to rest and I got bored, ending up getting so many CDs and taking the trouble searching for somewhere to store them. Another thing was that I was supposed to enrole myself into 2 Japanese schools to work on my conversaional skills but in the end, I quit. I had incriminated the school where I've stayed on, before the school term starts, what a bad person I was.

2011, I don't know what to expect. Too many things.....maybe.

I hope that amidst all the busy work schedule, I get to see my 3 beloved friends at least once a month. I don't have much friends, not much stuff so my life shouldn't be too complicated. I think this isn't too much.

I hope Mom and Dad will stop quarrelling and everyone can be happy.

I hope next year's short term exchange programme will be a success. Be it the entrance examination, the arrangements for accomodation and taking leave from work to go for it and making friends over in Japan and learning my beloved Japanese language well. I hope everything will turn out nice and wonderful.

I hope to go Taiwan in Jun and December, Japan in Jun and December. I hope the trips will not get cancelled. I hope nothing of what happened this December would happen then.

I hope my boss would stop thinking too highly of me. I hope work will turn out fine. I hope there aren't much work for me to do.

New year resolution, WORK HARDER FOR JAPANESE LANGUAGE AND GET INTO TOP AGAIN! $$$$

Record

2010-12-31T21:39:00.003+08:00

This year is once again, a pathetic year. I've realized how little time I have to read.

1. Inkspell
2. InkDeath
3. Twilight
4. Harry Potter and the Philosopher Stone
5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
7. Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix
8. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
9. Have a Little Faith

Somehow the number is diminishing.

Harry Potter series

2010-12-30T21:08:00.003+08:00

It was a two weeks intensive reading, the Harry Potter series has finally come to an end, with certain skips and quick browsing over the forth book because personally, I did not enjoy Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire much.

The first time when I’d read Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, I did not like the book at all. I was all frustrated and upset and I did not know why. However, it was precisely these feelings; I was actually feeling what Harry was feeling, which made me respected Rowling so much. She has successfully attracted us, enticing us readers into feeling exactly how she wanted us to feel, like the protagonist in the book. Looking back, now that I’ve grown a little older, I can fully understanding the then growing up boy, Harry Potter. He was 15 going through puberty, the only witness of Voldermort making a comeback, with no support and trust from others besides his 2 friends who were bickering a lot. To top it off, he was feeling feelings which did not belonged to him. The extreme and crazy anger and exhilaration of Tom Marvolo Riddle. And the worst thing is that he wasn’t able to control them. Who would feel happy about it?

Re-reading a book more than once, really does allow one to discover more things. All the books had clues strewn here and there and in each book, there were arrows pointing everywhere towards what was expected in the end of each book, however, readers wouldn’t know them until they have finished reading the book.

And the first time when I’d read the sixth book, I felt happy and relief at the part when Scrimgeour came to look Harry up, requesting that Harry help the ministry. That signified that the Ministry has accepted that Harry was telling the truth and finally, someone’s siding our dear lone ranger. However I was so shocked by Harry’s replies. After reading the book a couple of times, it made me realized how clear Harry’s thoughts were and how fast he’d grown up and I wasn’t. It was a wakeup call for me, being all soft and searching for people who would stand at my side, how pathetic!

There are also thoughts which remained the same no matter how many things I’ve read this series. Our dear antagonist, Voldy, is a poor, self-cheating soul trying so hard to be invincible and to cheat Death. He might have been able to do so if he had allowed Bellatrix Black to die protecting him. “Love”, the greatest magic in the world, according to Dumbledore, is exactly what our dear Voldy lacks. I didn’t know that Bellatrix was married. She did not behave like a married woman, what’s with the obsession over Voldy and all.

And Merope has done so much for her son, hoping against hope on her death bed that Voldy would resemble Tom Riddle senior instead of her. She got her wish but everything went down the drain because our dear Voldy wants to be special! He hates to share, he hates being common, he hates his name, he hates his looks, he wanted to be unique and he had succeed changing everything! He was strange and ugly (only Bellatrix would have deemed him as sexy and handsome, strange and crazy woman) looking in the end, with a weird name of Lord Voldermort. Must have hated his common named muggle father a lot that he could not retain that beautiful face Tom Senior had given him.

However, I have to thank Voldy for trying so hard and giving us the chance for an awesome story. If Voldy hadn’t chose Harry as a rival, I’d be sitting at home doing nothing this holiday and last holiday and last, last holiday…..

As I was reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (my personal favourite and having read it for 4 times), I couldn’t help screaming “NO!” when Harry thought about how his life would have been, if Voldy hadn’t handpicked him to be his rival. Harry thought that Neville would be the one, sitting opposite him in the Hogwarts Express, bearing the lightning scar on his forehead and he, Harry, would be the one being kissed goodbye by his mother. That is simply impossible! If his fate had been exchanged with Neville, hadn’t he given it a thought that since Frank and Alice have died protecting Neville, wouldn’t Lily and James be the ones tortured by Bellatrix and are lying in St. Mungo’s now? He wouldn’t be able to escape the fate of growing up with the Dursleys since he did not have a grandma like Neville. Neville, on the other hand, would still have grown up understand his grandma’s care. Things would have been different.

The study of the series goes on.... I will definitely re-read the whole series again the next holiday!

2010-12-27T16:11:00.002+08:00

うちは、先生に捨てられたことがある。だからこそ、その捨てられた感じ、その気持ちがよくわかっている。お前らを捨てない、絶対に！

Complication

2010-12-26T22:51:00.003+08:00

Every year around this time, I dread going back to work.

Every year around this time, I give job switch serious thoughts.

Every year around this time, I feel the world crumbling down.

Every year after this time, I succumb to fate and slogged on.

Due to some policy matters, I can only officially leave my job after year 2011 Jun. I want desperately to leave the job but people are telling me to go on for one more year as I've already endured the few painful years. Moreover, there's a service reward pack for people who'd stayed on for quite a while. The thing is, am I able to endure through 2 more years? Will I die trying? I feel so tired, I dread going to work! Just don't understand how people can stay on to their jobs for such a long period of time.

I just want to have some freedom. I want mundane jobs, boring jobs. Answering the phone call, filing and staring at the computer would be desirable. Putting Japanese language into use would be ideal too. I just don't want to get stuck doing something which I don't have interest in, am not good at doing and might be a threat to those whom I'm working with.

I just want to quit. QUIT! I don't care what it is, even if it takes money to settle it, I just want to get out of the da** thing. If it wasn't for the jul japan immersion programme my boss had consented me to go, I shall leave NOW!

So...... Since my heart is no longer there, why so serious? Relax, take it easy, everything's going to be fine~

However, firstly, I ain't such person to take it easy. Just not my character and principle. Secondly, a part of me really am eyeing for the service package which means i have a nice 2 more years to get stuck. Thirdly, where can I go to, seriously, if I were to quit? Is it wise to leave the slump before I've found a new job? But given the nature of my job, it is nearly impossible to find an alternative whist working and I can't quit straight away once I've found a job. I'll be dragging lots of lives down with me in doing so. And this is just so not me.

How can life be so complicated? Oh man!

S** talks at night?

2010-12-24T00:09:00.002+08:00

What's with all the discussion of impotency so late into the night? Children need sleep you know?

There was an article today on impotency caused by hair growth medication and mom thinks that physical appearance is not as important compared to life's enjoyment.

Well, there's always two sides of the coin......

Where's there to begin with when we don't even have the appeal to lead to life enjoyment later?

And not every woman enjoys sex.

An impotent man meeting a cold woman, best match.

Life's enjoyment will come in another form.

迷惘

2010-12-20T12:57:00.001+08:00

是老天安排也好，人為也罷

只希望這條路走著，能讓我更清楚接下來該走的路。

Wants

2010-12-18T14:36:00.002+08:00

There are so many things I would like to do, but so little time left.

I want to cycle by the river, to the place where I used to go a lot during my highschool years. There were doves and larks by the riverside, pecking at worms early in the morning; people fishing in the evening. In order to do that, I need to wake up early.

I want to stay online, talk to friends, watch Anime, read blogs, write blogs, skype but I could only do that at night, late at night.

I want to read Harry Potter and Twilight series.

I want to watch Japanese, Taiwanese drama.

I want to meet up with my dearest friends and ... but I'm having trouble with time management. (somehow, I think I forgot to message him in the midst of facebooking and skyping. It's anothe week again and I am breaking my promises.)

I want to study Japanese Language and Kansaiben. The textbook has been on my bed quite sometime.

I want to sleep because I feel sleepy but I don't want to sleep as there is so much to do, so little time.

Give and take...... What should I give and what should I take?